Combat stress: why Liam Fox’s changes matter

Yesterday, Defence Secretary Liam Fox said the cuts he has to make will not be easy to deal with in the MoD but did announce some investment in helping veterans despite the cuts. One veteran who would welcome the support – Jim Maguire (name changed at his request) – tells Channel 4 News his experience of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

My name is Jim Maguire, I’m 29 and I joined the army in 1998. I’ve seen active service in Iraq and Afghanistan as a gunner and a Lance Corporal commanding a Scimitar armoured reconnaissance vehicle.

I first went to Iraq in June 2003, to the volatile area of Al Amarah. Then I was seconded to Baghdad and that’s when I first noticed signs of PTSD, though I had no idea what it was. I just knew something was going amiss with me.

We were guarding the British Embassy, patrolling and interacting with the community, playing football with local kids of an evening. But I was developing obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). It started small: little rituals around shaving and with my water bottle. I was still keen, just dealing with my feelings through OCD, obsessing about my gear and my dusty little bed-space. Underneath, I was struggling with the heat, struggling with the way we were living, the exhaustion and the workload.

I went back to Iraq in 2005 and that time was more stressful, unfriendly and lawless, with roadside bombs going off. I took sole responsibility for some convoys from Basra to Al Muthana near Najaf and they used me a lot because of my experience. I started to feel myself sinking, with fluctuating energy levels, but I was top of my peer group, with lads looking up to me, so I had to cope.

It took longer to recover

Each time I came home it took longer to recover. Six or seven months, even. One day I’d run eight miles, another day could barely climb the stairs. I was hammering my OCD rituals and people were noticing – but because of my position in the troop, nobody said anything. I was a good soldier, you know, a good lad.

I became gunner on a Scimitar and in October 2006 deployed to Afghanistan. By then I had serious anger and confusion problems, enough to get time off. People were losing trust in me but still, after everything, I was ready to go. I called it “the flu” and would say to my bosses, “You know, I’ve got a bit of ‘the flu’,” and they’d understand.

We got off our connecting flight and went straight tank-side to fit up the vehicles, working until midnight. We had no tents, nowhere to escape to and my rituals went out the window. Immediately I was in serious trouble, I needed to stop but we were about to get into it.

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One day we’re along a riverbed and my Scimitar has a fuel line problem, the engine is really struggling, constantly trying to stall on us. Then mortars come in: I remember being petrified, coaxing my driver to ease up on the throttle. It’s a full-on ambush, they’re advancing and in-between are people from the village, farmers and families, just cowering.

We’re the last Scimitar in line, my gun keeps jamming and I’m giving sit reps on the radio, trying to get us out of the hole. But the only way to go is right into the heart of the village. We take so much fire at this point, you can’t fathom it.

Then kids with machine guns come at us and we just can’t avoid them…Sickening. There’s no way that lad was older than 13.

We were engaged for two hours.

Final straw

That was the final straw. I did continue on ops for a while afterwards before I spoke to anyone but when I talked to the psychologist I broke down completely and at that point I was immediately medivacked home.

I’ll tell you what the worst feeling in the world is: flying out on a C-17 with the seriously injured guys, when there’s not a scratch on you. I died of shame a hundred times, talking to lads from the same battle with missing limbs. Yet I was still thinking: “But I was there, I’m no coward, I was there fighting to help you guys stay alive.”

In the UK they don’t look at your passport, no debrief, nothing. I walked off the plane and walked home. Soon after that is when I first tried to kill myself.

Thank God somebody passed my details to Combat Stress and when they got my file they sent someone straight away. They assessed my needs and I’ve been back several times. I’ve gained so much reassurance and confidence.

Having my symptoms explained was amazing: the first step. And that was the first time I’d met other guys, especially older more experienced guys, who’d been through it too. You can’t imagine the relief of understanding at last.

Each time I visit I get recharged, to last a bit longer out in the world and look after my son and keep rebuilding.

I’m on a metalwork course at college. It takes time but I’m getting my life back, I can be a student, a working man and a good Dad.

Read more from Channel 4 News on defence 
- Fox: defence cuts will not be easy
- FactCheck: Liam Fox's leaked letter 
- Defence minister warns against military cuts