The coalition government 100 days in

The Tories left out of office hate the Lib Dems in office – and the Lib Dems out of office hate the Lib Dems in office, leaving the Lib Dems in office(do try and keep up) singing a duet with the Tories in office which goes, “the working class can kiss my a***, I’ve got a cabinet job at last “. Discuss.

It is 100 days on Wednesday since they emerged blinking into the sunlight of the Rose Garden to announce the marriage of the century: the coalition cabinet.

The cynics said it would never last, but here we are with just four years and nine months to the next election and the coalition of the brave is still going.

Indeed this week we can write the words that no-one ever thought they would ever see, apart we suspect, from the person himself.

Nick Clegg is in charge!

Remember those halcyon days when Tony would give us a laugh by leaving John running the country while he hung out in Cliff Richard’s villa, well Dave has done the same and given Nick a go.

As Dave heads off on his summer hols – he is slumming it in Cornwall – just how has it gone so far?

Well the government has launched the Big Society which is a clever plan where we elect and pay them to run the country full time and they persuade us to do it for them part-time at evenings and weekends for free.

They have scrapped identity cards and the film council, let Boris put bikes in London and let bankers have their bonuses back.

Dave went abroad and was very nice to India and Turkey and very nasty to Pakistan and Israel.

He was even nicer to the United States, in fact he was so nice that he thanked them for fighting alongside us in 1940 which was a bit of a shock to our veterans who remembered the Americans didn’t get into World War Two until December 1941.

Only 22 millionaires in the cabinet now…

Meanwhile, back at home the coalition cut the number of millionaires in the cabinet from 23 to 22 when David Laws was alleged to have been naughty with his MP’s expenses claims.

The unreconstructed wing of the Tory Party silently cheered as David who was not only a Lib Dem but also gay, walked off into the sunset.

Sadly for them he was swapped for another Lib Dem, Scotland’s Danny Alexander, who despite being Chief Secretary to the Treasury still looks like he gets his pocket money from his Mam and Dad.

Even worse was to come for the hangers and floggers as Ken Clarke the Justice Secretary announced prison was not working.

Mind you, Ken’s views on all matters Tory had been under suspicion since the first time he was spotted wearing brown suede shoes.

This produced the bizarre sight of Labour’s erstwhile libertarian Jack Straw agreeing with The Daily Mail that Ken is a nutter and, as the police would say, a nutter with previous.

Having out-Liberalled the Liberals on penal reform it got worse. Suddenly there was a row between a Tory and the Tories on defence.

Not as nice as you might think…

In all the euphoria about Nick and Dave’s romance the joining together in holy government of their two parties overlooked the fact that the boys had been forced to include some of Dave’s not-as-nice-as-you-might-think wing in the team.

Playing way out on the right was Defence Secretary Liam Fox who having spent years denouncing Labour for cutting defence spending announced he was seeking to cut spending on defence.

As the admirals, generals and air vice marshals spluttered over their tea and Telegraphs, Dr Fox said

a lot of them (for instance we have more admirals than ships) would have to go too.

Meanwhile Michael Gove the great white hope of the intellectual wing of the Tories was making a total dog’s breakfast of the his new school non-building programme.

Nick whose hands seem to some to super-glued to the steering wheel of government, was also having his problems as moaners in his party said he seemed to be actually enjoying being in power thereby breaking almost a hundred years of Liberal tradition.

Luckily throughout this turbulent time Nick has had by his side, or somewhere in the vicinity of his person, the baleful figure of his one time deputy Vince Cable.

Vince is not convinced

Now Business Secretary in a government which believes business is none of the government’s business Vince looks increasingly like one of those gargoyles that glare on the faithful as they go to church. Vince is not convinced.

But if that’s a snapshot of the first 100 days what of the next?

Of course that all depends on the name conspicuously absent from the roll call above Dave’s once real best friend George Osborne, Chancellor of the Exchequer and head fall guy for what is to come.

George, whose pallor finds its match somewhere near the top of the Dulux colour chart, has not been let out much during these sun-filled summer days.

But as the nights draw in during the autumn listen out for the creaking of the coffin lid children because the big bad wolf is coming. George has his own version of the Big Society called the lot smaller society.

Having discovered that we owe so much money that we may need to ask Africa to stage a Live Aid event on our behalf George has a cunning plan.

Sack lots of people who work for us – apart from servants obviously – cut their benefits, make them work longer and pay more VAT.

Chinese burns and roastings

To help us swallow this medicine the Government has asked billionaire Sir Phillip Green, owner of Topshop, BHS and close personal friend of Kate Moss and Simon Cowell to give us a few tips.

Sir Phillip, who some might think ostentatious for spending £5m on his 50th birthday party, does not appear to own the majority of his business but his family, who live in Monaco, apparently do.

He uses his private jet, a present from his wife, to fly into London every week to run it and will now give us some tips on how to run ours.

Moving all of us, or at least all of our tax money, to Monaco is not an option at the moment.

So standby for the autumn when you can expect the boys from the Bullingdon Club to start giving us all Chinese burns and roastings.

Dave announced last week that despite his background, his wealth and his aristocratic wife he is middle class echoing the famous comment of John, now Lord – of course – Prescott, that we are all middle class now.

That gives the Government a slight problem – since if we are all MC, who is left to take the blame and the punishment for our present problems?

There seems to be general agreement among Ministers that the poor millionaires and the bankers should be excused duty so that only leaves the public sector. Maybe they were not invited into the Big Society.

Who will get the blame?

Nick and Dave hope that after the pain will come the pleasure, George will get the blame for the pain and they will get the reward for the pleasure.

Elsewhere, unnoticed by the nation, the Labour Party are staging their leadership contest under the slogan “who bores wins”, giving the Miliband brothers an obvious unfair advantage.

It is worth noting that without a leader Labour have soared to within a few points of the Tories. Could this be their way ahead?

All will be revealed in the autumn.

Peter McHugh is the former director of programmes at GMTV and was this year awarded the Royal Television Society Lifetime Achievement Award.