World Cup: reasons to be miserable, parts 1-10

Sir Geoff Hurst, still the feted architect of England’s only ever major tournament win, rummages around in a perspex bowl and literally single-handedly ensures that his place as a national footballing icon will remain unchallenged in the foreseeable future.

Unfavourable venues, lengthy travel and tough opposition may not make Group D the group of death (Spain, Holland, Chile and poor old Australia have that dubious privilege) but, as far as England are concerned, it might as well be the group of doom.

So here are my reasons to be miserable, parts 1-10.

1) Loser’s luck

If fortune favours the brave, then Roy Hodgson must feel a bit like the lion in the Wizard of Oz. His predecessor Fabio Capello could walk confidently into a tournament draw fully expecting to be grouped with Pitcairn Island, Greenland and the Vatican City but the current incumbent clearly doesn’t share his good fortune. Hodgson’s first tournament campaign at Euro 2012 was blighted by the loss of several key players to injury just before the tournament began, and now this. Don’t be surprised if Wayne Rooney drops a piano on his foot or Steven Gerrard goes down with beri-beri the day before the squad announcement.

2) Steamy start

Hodgson’s fateful wish to avoid strength-sapping conditions has backfired with the opening game on 14 June against Italy in the Amazonian city of Manaus, where temperatures at that time of year reach 31C with 99 per cent humidity. Time to book a squad training session at the local sauna to acclimatise. Oh, and a leading travel health website recommends taking vaccines against malaria and yellow fever before travelling.

3) Travel nightmares

Manaus is the farthest flung of the 12 tournament venues and is a five hour flight from England’s base in Rio de Janeiro. The round trip is over 3,000 miles, a gruelling slog which is the equivalent of flying from Heathrow to Athens and back. If local traffic reports are to be believed, getting from the Tulip Hotel in Rio to the airport could take nearly as long.

4) Pasta masters

Italy played England off the pitch in the quarter finals at Euro 2012 in one of the most one-sided 0-0 draws in European Championship history, before winning on penalties. If the Italians dominate possession as they did in Kiev, England will find chasing the ball even harder in the tropical heat. To make matters worse, we have only ever beaten Italy once in a competitive match and, as it is the first group game, there’s no hope of Mario Balotelli being suspended.

5) Up all night

Manaus is four hours behind the UK and the game is scheduled to kick off late in the evening local time, so home based fans will have to stay up through the small hours the night to watch the game on television. Insomniacs used to the daily diet of horror films shown overnight may not find this experience too much of a culture shock and everyone else should be able to find a pub with a late licence. Also, it’s a Saturday night so at least you can sleep off the hangover.

6) Montevideo nasty

The second game is against Uruguay, who reached the semi-finals in South Africa in 2010 and will be fancied to do well again despite only qualifying via the play-offs. The match is in Sao Paulo which is relatively close to the Uruguayan border, so they will have plenty of support. England lost to Uruguay in the World Cup semi-finals in 1954 and they were the only team we failed to beat in 1966 when the tournament’s opening match finished goalless. Under the circumstances, Hodgson might well be happy with a repeat.

7) Worse than his bite

Uruguay will be spearheaded by Liverpool striker Luis Suarez who staged a one man goal of the month competition against Norwich on Wednesday night and is one of the world’s most feared and in-form strikers. The negative side of his game will worry England too, with controversy a constant companion to his extravagant talents. Having conceded eleven Suarez goals in three games, Canaries goalkeeper John Ruddy may be left out of the squad on compassionate grounds.

8) Counting the Costa

England would do well not to underestimate group minnows Costa Rica. They have qualified for their fourth World Cup, boast plenty of experience in their squad and will be hard to beat. England have never met them before but the Central Americans do have previous experience of beating British opposition at the highest level. At Italia 90 they defeated Scotland 1-0 in a group match in Genoa en route to the round of 16. The goalscoring hero Juan Cayasso claims he still gets mobbed in the streets 23 years on; England’s players will get pelted with rotten fruit in the streets if Costa Rica win again.

9) Belo Horizontal

The final group match is in Belo Horizonte, a city whose very name strikes horror and ridicule into English hearts with equal measure. It was here on 29 June 1950 that Joe Gaetjens, a 26-year old Haitian studying at university in New York, netted a winner for the USA to humble England in what remains one of the greatest shocks in World Cup history. Arguably England had a better squad than the current one with Stanley Matthews, Tom Finney, Alf Ramsey, Billy Wright, Stan Mortensen and Wilf Mannion among those heading home from Brazil after the first group stage.

10) Don’t bet on it

The bookies rarely get these things wrong and the immediate aftermath of the draw saw the odds on England winning the World Cup shortened considerably. Having started the day at around 25-1 they ended it as a 33-1 shot with Italy and Uruguay both rated at shorter prices to lift the trophy on 13 July.

The commendable realism shown by England fans since the World Cup defeat by Germany in 2010 suggests there may not be a flood of bets on England as champions no matter how much further the odds may fall. Go and stick your money on a British woman winning Wimbledon or Napalm Death claiming the Christmas number one slot instead.

An updated version John Anderson’s book A Great Face For Radio is out now. You can follow him on Twitter @GreatFaceRadio