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 “I have had two strange months and along with some of my teammates I have suffered inhumane treatment.”
Guglielmo Stendardo was assured it was just enhanced training practices at Guantanamo Lazio
“Now we have an opportunity to silence everyone. This is why I invite President Sepp Blatter to hand me the trophy, as he can do that now.”
Fabio Cannavaro had to pin the FIFA chief down after an attempted Berlin-style escape
“It’s never too late.”
… for Blatter to make a tit of himself
“I stood up to the club that wanted me to join Tottenham, I banged my fists on the table to wear the Genoa jersey again.”
The thought of moving to Spurs is enough to make Diego Milito throw his toys out the pram
“An experienced side like Juve cannot allow Fiorentina these chances. We were dummies.”
Claudio Ranieri releases his new book: ‘Holding A Lead Against 10 Men for Dummies’
“Olof Mellberg doesn’t know Alberto Gilardino the way we do. If I’d have been marking him, I would not have let him turn.”
Nicola Legrottaglie sits the Swede down and tells him not to buy a DVD player off some bloke down the pub, either
“It's a bit of a problem because when teams play against Juve and me they say that they will score and often they succeed.”
Gigi Buffon suffers from the Rumpelstiltskin Effect
“The story of me being locked in the toilet by Tiago is true. Alessandro Del Piero responded to the noise of me punching the door and offered to break it down. I told him it was better if someone else did it, as he needed to keep his shoulders in good shape for the Fiorentina game.”
Juventus President Giovanni Cobolli Gigli’s reputation goes down the pan, but at least he got someone less valuable to knock the door down: they used Tiago as a battering ram
“I have asked for nothing from the President. That is partly because every time I did make a request, nobody ever arrived.”
Delio Rossi also stopped believing in Santa
“We had agreed to sell certain players but some deals didn't go through because certain people didn't live up to their promises. Some decided to stay at Lazio and they did so knowing that they won't have much chance of playing.”
President Claudio Lotito just knows they’re going to spend the whole year dossing on his couch, eating his food and playing computer games
“From the start of pre-season he hasn't shown the good faith we did and he has skipped an incredible number of training sessions for vague reasons, including a headache. He didn't behave like a real professional and so with a heavy heart I decided to sell him.”
Curiously, Torino patron Urbano Cairo revealed one of the other reasons David Di Michele gave for skipping sessions was a heavy heart
“Obviously I hope Stefano Colantuono can stay at the helm for a long time, but after seeing the friendly defeat to Portogruaro, the Coppa exit to Ravenna and this loss to Udinese, we have to evaluate our position after the Roma game.”
How obvious is it that Maurizio Zamparini is sharpening his axe already?
“I already told my director general before the game that I thought Mark Bresciano should start instead of Bosko Jankovic, as I didn’t want to give Udinese superiority in midfield. I would never have fielded Edison Cavani as a centre-forward and Fabrizio Miccoli off him, as it is far better to play with those two and a creative figure behind them.”
One wonders why Zamparini bothers to employ tacticians
“We had an excellent start to the second half. I remain optimistic and there’s no need to laugh at me for saying that.”
Too late, Carlo Ancelotti, the giggles cannot be stifled now
“Overall the team played well, but in terms of detail we have a few problems.”
Luciano Spalletti gets out the magnifying glass for those tiny faults such as letting 10-man Napoli equalise
“At times we go in too soft and our opponents, even if less technically gifted, can punish us for that.”
Spalletti prescribes Viagra to the Giallorossi
“I don't want to tell any lies.”
Jose Mourinho did cut down that cherry tree and heads for the White House
“I have a group of players who worked very hard in the locker room and I cannot criticise them for their efforts. Perhaps I am not the right Coach for this Italian type of post-match analysis.”
Mourinho realises he’s in trouble when the panel begins debating his post-match interview in slow motion and from different camera angles
“I have absolutely forgotten Lampard.”
It took a lot of ice cream and singing power ballads, but Mourinho managed it eventually
“Will Ricardo Quaresma sign for Inter? I don't think it's going to happen. We don’t need him.”
Shows what Moratti knows, 24 hours before completing the deal
“I respect the President and the club. They know my opinion on Quaresma, but I respect them and my work does not change. I'll work with the team I have and it's a pleasure to train them.”
Mourinho perfects the passive-aggressive transfer tease
“It’s not like England here, there is always this constant level of pressure and no easy games, but I think Mourinho dealt with it. It could be a good lesson for him.”
Moratti’s next trick will be to teach Jose to roll over. He’s already mastered begging for players…
“Antonio has had a relaxed summer without any problems or bumps in the road. I saw him happy, settled and in love, so on the field he’ll be more dangerous than usual.”
Roberto Donadoni knows Hell hath no fury like a Cassano in love
“In the last two years I have scored 10 goals per season, so my objective is to surpass that figure.”
Considering the competition for places at Milan, Clarence Seedorf will be fortunate to make 10 appearances
“It was very moving when on my last day the entire squad gave me a round of applause.”
The Rossoneri then started a conga line the moment Cristian Brocchi clicked the locker room door behind him
“Milan are not in the Champions League, so they have given Carlo Ancelotti a very clear mission.”
Fabio Capello’s message will self-destruct during the opening game with Bologna
“We certainly won’t be happy if we finish in second place. Everyone working for Milan must remember the objective is to take the title.”
Ancelotti would do well to remember fourth would be an improvement on last year
“As for BATE Borisov, they won the League in Belarus last year and look like repeating that as they are top after 18 games.”
Luckily for Claudio Ranieri, he didn’t have to learn the name of any other Belarus clubs
“If the fans jeer me at the Stadio Olimpico when I play there in the Champions League, then it is their right, but they should know it was a decision taken with a heavy heart.”
The Juventus supporters will forgive Fabio Cannavaro if he commits the act of penance – scoring an own goal
“I know full well that certain fans criticised my past choices and that it will be difficult to win back their faith, but my choices have always been made with my heart.”
Andriy Shevchenko keeps his wallet in constant connection with his artery
“What I missed about Milan when I was at Chelsea was the organisation, the atmosphere of this club, lots of little things that in the end prove to be important.”
Shevchenko complains the Blues never left a chocolate on his pillow
“I couldn’t think of returning to Italy to play with a jersey that wasn’t Milan’s. I’ll give 100 per cent to prove myself to them.”
So that’s why both Sampdoria and Roma confirmed Sheva said he’d join them if they could match Chelsea’s asking price, then!
“We're here to ruin Milan's party.”
Bologna boss Daniele Arrigoni not only won at San Siro, he also stamped on their cake and drank all their champagne
“I thought we were going to meet in the UEFA Cup last year but it's better to do so in the Champions League.”
Luca Toni takes his ex out for oysters rather than a hot dog
“Fiorentina will adopt the system used in Spain, where the Presidents sit side by side during the game and have dinner together after the final whistle.”
Diego Della Valle keeps it civilised, but it’s only a matter of time before a dodgy refereeing decision sparks a food fight
“When this team wants a Cup, they win a Cup - history shows that.”
Pippo Inzaghi warns the UEFA trophy he won’t take no for an answer
“It was so strange hearing that we’d got Kaunas in the draw. It’s my city and a beautiful place.”
That wasn’t quite what Sampdoria were after when they asked Marius Stankevicius for the inside scoop
“I haven't even read the newspapers today because I know there will be something in it about Matteo moving.”
Brighi’s agent Vanni Puzzolo stopped playing the lottery as he got tired of winning
“Compared to the Premier League, I think in the Italian League the players have to work a lot harder.”
Philippe Senderos was horrified to discover he didn’t have a Segway to take him from the locker room to the pitch
“Senderos underwent tests at the MilanLab and was found to be in poor physical shape.”
The Rossoneri medical staff will soon discover that’s just what he’s like
“For me Lazio is a great place to arrive at and I have always compared the club to Real Madrid.”
Stendardo also compares The Cheeky Girls to Frank Sinatra
“At the end of the day, these two clubs are similar in terms of passion, fire and football nobility.”
Napoli boss Edy Reja invites Benfica to a banquet at the San Paolo
“Cristiano Lucarelli is the captain of this squad and betrayal is not in his nature.”
Gigi Cagni might want to tell that to hometown club Livorno…
“This weekend begins a fantastic campaign with five teams – Inter, Roma, Juventus, Fiorentina and Milan – who will fight it out on level terms for the title.”
Adriano Galliani was right about them being on a par – none of them won the opening game
“The draw has put us face to face with Borussia. Lucky we were seeds, otherwise it would’ve been really tough!”
Udinese director general Pietro Leonardi wonders how Champions League squads manage to draw Cypriots Anathorsis
“If it meant coming to Roma, I'd even play as a goalkeeper!”
Di Michele’s gloves will remain in storage after securing a move to West Ham instead
“There are thousands of people who earn around £800 per month, so to offer £70m for a football player is senseless. I don’t approve of these figures.”
Della Valle will not support Manchester City on purely ideological grounds
“It is great to have so many champions in the side, but I’m not sure I like the comparison with Real Madrid’s Galacticos. After all, they didn’t really win very much. We will try to be a new type of Galacticos who are more practical.”
Andrea Pirlo opens the era of the LosetoBolognacos
“Do you know what my ideal group would be? Juve, Real, Barcelona and Manchester United. That would be tasty! After all, that’s what the Champions League was made for.”
Bianconeri fans are thankful Buffon wasn’t in charge of the draw
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