Absent Clarke the talk of PMQs

If there were a two-fingered insult to the right wing of the Tory Party one finger would be called Ken and the other Clarke. He is the enemy within; the jazz-loving, brown suede shoe-wearing, Europe-liking entryist who despite their best efforts keeps turning up in Tory Governments.

When David Cameron led his party out of the wilderness just a year ago, he was forced to turn to Ken as one of the few members who remembered where Downing Street was. Alert to Ken’s unpopularity with his recidivist wing, he parked him at the Justice Department where he thought he could do little damage. Ken immediately proved him wrong by suggesting prison may not be all it’s made out to be and surely money should be better spent preventing re-offending.

The Daily Mail, who has been on Ken-watch since the 1980’s, duly dusted off its outrage, opened up the complaints cupboard containing Ken’s “previous”, as they say down the Justice Department, sharpened the guilliotine and waited.

At lunchtime today they finally got the tumbril out of its garage for a polish.

The Government, aware of the semi-detached nature of Ken’s involvement in matters political had sought to keep themselves safe by restricting his movements. But earlier today he seemed to have slipped his guards and and turned up on Radio Five live. There he proceeded to make a dog’s breakfast of an interview over plans to give criminals more time off their sentences if they pleaded guilty to their crimes. He fudged and fumbled his way through a question asking if rapists would really only serves 15 months of a five year sentence if they owned up before the trial and if “date rape” was as serious as other rapes.

As Ken was busy digging the hole he was in deeper with every answer, over In the House of Commons the Party of Law and Order had no idea of the storm on its way.

Indeed on the Tory side of the corridors of power loins were being girded and off-the-cuff comments rehearsed in anticipation of the regular Wednesday bun-fight, Prime Minister’s Questions, where in recent weeks the Labour leader Ed Miliband has managed to get far enough up David Cameron’s nose to scratch his eyeballs.

Top of the trouble list would be Nick Clegg’s attempts to drop his lap-dog status with his less-than-subtle attack on David Cameron’s attitude to reform of the NHS.

Also likely was the leaking of yet another private letter from Defence Secretary Liam Fox to the PM this time complaining about no cuts being made to the foreign aid budget. Dr Fox is a noted right winger and both leaks, at which he says he is appalled, make him look good with his mates.

All of this was in the Prime Minister’s mind as he took his place for PMQs, accompanied by Chancellor George Osborne; always summoned when times are expected to be tough. Next to George was Health Secretary Andrew Lansley in pole position for the insults confidently expected to fly.

Had he glanced further down the front bench the Prime Minister may have noted the absence of the Justice Secretary who only a few weeks ago stole the show at the weekly proceedings by nodding off during the excitement.

Having lost it again last week during Questions the PM was clearly out to stay calm this week, but that was before Ed stood up and mentioned Ken.

The Peoples Party representative tuned in to Radio Five must have thought he had died and gone to heaven as Ken trundled and mumbled his way through his interview and had rushed to brief his leader.

Did the PM agree with what Ken had told the nation, asked Ed. Did the PM agree with Ken’s views on rape sentencing?

At the very mention of Ken’s name there was a sharp intake of breath on the Government’s benches. David Cameron, obviously unaware of the interview looked stricken and clearly unrehearsed.

Did the Prime Minister not agree that Ken should be sacked before the day was out, said Ed Miliband with all the pleasure of the man who knows he has just won PMQs again.

The Prime Minister, with only seconds to contemplate an anti-Ken campaign that now included the Daily Mail, at least a score of his own crazies, the Daily Telegraph and now the Leader of the Labour Party, could only give a whole new meaning to prevaricate.

Meanwhile the Chancellor, who himself has “previous ” on the duffing-up front, could be seen staring about him as if searching for the absent Justice Secretary to aquaint him of the general unhappiness.

Little did he know it but Ken was actually watching his demise in real time on the television. Having made his cock-up on Radio Five and being badly bruised in subsequent doorstep interviews he had taken refuge in the the BBC‘s offices. He the ended up in a studio witness to his leader’s increasing embarrassment before agreeing to another tv interview which would go on to make matters no better.

But all of this was unbeknown in the Commons where MPs were at least aware that Ken had put his mouth where his hush puppies should have been. Off to the Prime Minister’s right sat a less-than-sad Lib Dem leader who having turned up expecting to strung up by all and sundry as usual was suddenly a spectator at someone else’s hanging. And off to his right sat Health Secretary Andrew Lansley equally paying private thanks to Ken.

The Prime Minister said only at the weekend that there would be no reshuffle of the Cabinet this year: but he didn’t say it on Radio Five.

Peter McHugh is the former Director of Programmes at GMTV and Chief Executive of Quiddity Productions.