The missing bailout conversation between Sarko and the Chinese president

Today the head of the European bailout facility has flown to China to seek its support for the Euro bailout package. My interview last week with the Chairman of the supervisory board of China’s Sovereign Wealth Fund Jin Liqun made headlines all around the world after he said that “sloth-inducing labour laws” was the root cause of Europe’s problems. And that Europeans should work harder and longer. Here is my report and that interview:

As luck would have it, I seem to have stumbled across what appears to be a transcript of the telephone conversation between the French and Chinese presidents made in the aftermath of the bailout deal…I can’t vouch for all it’s accuracy.

Sarkozy:
President Hu, do you remember that thing in Davos in January when I railed against shadow banking, banking spivs, and excess leverage in the financial system?

Hu:
It was a wise and sensible response to the excesses of wild Anglo Saxon capitalism, Premier Wen told me. You said that the 700 times GDP leverage of one nation made you ask whether we are in the market economy or the madhouse. You criticised shadowy off balance sheet vehicles. A tour de force. Napoleonesque.

Sarkozy:
Well yes, but we’ve had a bit if a change of plan now that Angela has insisted on Greece’s bond holders getting a short back and sides rather than a light trim. And we need help with the EFSF.

HU:
The EFSF, the €440bn special purpose vehicle off balance sheet bazooka bailout facility set up as a private company in Luxembourg, that EFSF? That employs 15 people to magically turn subprime Irish and Portuguese debt into AAA gold dust sold by the German Treasury?

Sarkozy:
Yes that one. It’s not big enough to deal with Silvio’s Bunganomics. So we need to connect it to another series of off balance sheet Special Purpose Investment Vehicles to turn it into the multi-trillion bazooka? And we can offer you a great deal.

Hu:
You want me to authorise the deployment of the carefully amassed savings of the Chinese people, towards a SIV-squared SPIV that you can’t persuade the Germans to fund themselves?

Sarkozy:
Well when the Americans were in trouble in 2008, we know that you paid for your own superb fiscal stimulus, and you paid for their stimulus too. We are your main trade partner.

Hu:
Trade, eh? Here are my demands: Market economy status for China by the end of the year. An EU veto on all this American language about China’s currency. Oh yes and the dismantling of your bloated inefficient indolence-inducing labour laws, generous social security and pensions entitlements. Just as you have done with Greece, we will do with you. I’m not spending the proceeds of the hard work of our 20 million migrant workers with zero social safety net on subsidising your European social system.

Sarkozy:
No problem with the first two. Can I get back to you on the last one after my paternity leave?

Hu:
Those are the terms. Otherwise I hear Groupon are rather good at 50 per cent off offers.