Clegg wishes he could get back to the garden

If “anywhere else” was a place you could book tickets to then Nick Clegg clearly thought the front of the queue could be found in the House of Commons.

There are those who think the Deputy Prime Minister comes in for unfair criticism but they had obviously left the country earlier.

Just a year ago he had proudly marched into the Downing Street garden on the arm of his new paramour, Dave. But as he took his place by his side at Prime Minister’s Questions yesterday the body language made it clear that yet another hasty marriage was being repented at leisure.

It has not been a good week for Nick and the one thing that he can be sure of is that it is going to get much, much worse. That realization was writ large all over his face as both Tory and Labour MPs, not to mention quite a few Lib Dems, took cheer from the prospect.

The next 48 hours will see results of national and local elections in England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland as well as the referendum on the Alternative Vote and there should be something in them for everyone – that is, everyone apart from Nick.

Tory pleasure is based on the firm expectation that Nick will get a considerable kicking from the electorate with a resounding “No” in Thursday’s referendum on the Alternative Vote.

Tory pleasure is based on the firm expectation that Nick will get a considerable kicking from the electorate.

Nick believed he had a deal with Dave to soft pedal on opposition to AV as part of the price for the Coalition but the Prime Minister, under pressure from his own side, decided the deal was off.

This should be enough, believes Dave, to get him off the hook with his supporters both in the country and Fleet Street for what will be a pretty disastrous night for the Tory Party in all the other polls.

Equally happy to join in the general drubbing of the Deputy PM will be Labour’s Ed Miliband, who has managed to run a “Yes to AV” campaign with a “No to Nick” message.

Ed knows he is likely to be on the losing side in the referendum but will swamp that by picking up hundreds of seats from both Liberals and Tories in elections in England and Wales.

But even he will not have it all his own way, as Scotland – which just a few weeks ago was thought to be in the bag – now looks more than likely to stay with a resurgent Scottish National Party.

Ed will ignore the Scottish result, let Nick take the blame for AV and disappear shortly afterwards for the operation on his nose which – sadly, he said yesterday – will not change the way he speaks, which must give hope to those with forked tongues.

That just leaves Nick with his own side to worry about, which perhaps explains why he sat at PMQs staring intently at the floor with the look of a man who could not believe that it had not opened up.

Marley’s Ghost

As life at PMQs went on noisily about him, he had the pallor of someone who was waiting to audition for the role of Jacob Marley.

There were none of the friendly asides with one-time partner Dave which used to be such a feature of PMQs. Even Ed M seemed to be reluctant to launch any real insults, as if realizing that was nothing left to kick.

But had Nick glanced down the front bench to his left, then he might well have realized that reluctance may not be shared by all. Sitting equally sombrely was the man who he beat to the job of Lib-Dem leader, the now Energy Secretary Chris Huhne.

Much to Nick’s discomfort, Chris has been making quite a noise about his unhappiness with the Coalition culminating in an attack on Dave at this week’s Cabinet. There are those who say that Chris would have no problem with a re-run of the Lib Dem leadership contest – a prospect which can only fill Nick with more gloom, if he had anywhere else to put it.

So to sum up, Nick faces losing hundreds of council seats in England, not to mention control in many towns and cities, a collapse of influence in Scotland and Wales and the AV referendum.

“I’m a human being, I’m not a punchbag. I’ve got feelings,” he said in his most recent unfortunate interview, this time with Jemima Khan. He said his son had asked: “Why are the students angry with you,Papa?”

If only it was just the students.

Peter McHugh is the former Director of Programmes at GMTV and Chief Executive of Quiddity Productions.