Dark arts and light relief at the Lib Dem conference

Call it a marriage of convenience – or an unholy alliance. Whatever, it seems the Liberal Democrats are going all out to see who can be rudest about their coalition bedfellows. Listening to conference speeches by senior party figures – you’d never know they shared a Cabinet table with the Tories.

Yah-boo, tedious, shrill yelling

Conference had barely started when party leader Nick Clegg was first off the mark, the Telegraph pointing up a few digs at Prime Minister’s questions in parliament: “There’s this 19th century male testosterone-filled yah-boo, tedious, shrill yelling at each other.” And there was more. “David Cameron supports Aston Villa for the reason most football fans support their teams – his uncle was the chairman.” Side splitting stuff.

Absolute nightmare. Tim Farron, Lib Dem President

Party president Tim Farron was more forthright – telling delegates he was in “no doubt that being in coalition with the Tories has tainted us”. The government, he went on, would be an “absolute nightmare” without the Lib Dems. But it wasn’t all hardcore politics – the comic relief was soon to come. ” As your president I took the liberty of seeking some legal advice about how we stand in the event of a divorce,” Tim deadpanned. “There’s good news and bad news. Good news: we might get half of Ashcroft’s money. Bad news: we have to have Pickles at the weekends!”

Cable diatribe

Cue Business Secretary Vince Cable, a man whose semi-permanent frown is a clear hint that he’s not altogether happy sitting across that Cabinet table from, say, George Osborne. His Conference speech was a veritable diatribe against his Conservative colleagues. Among his targets, Communities Secretary Eric Pickles, for opposing the mansion tax: “You wonder what part of the solar system they live in.” As for David Cameron’s policy guru Steve Hilton, for suggesting that maternity leave should be cut? “What I will not do is provide cover for ideological descendants of those who sent children up chimneys”, he declared.

‘Madcap’

Not to be outdone, along came another man who hasn’t exactly hidden his distrust of the Conservatives behind a bushel: Energy Secretary Chris Huhne. He chose to compare the Tory party right wing to the “madcap” American Tea Party movement. He accused them of trying to wreck the economy, rounding on those who “slaver over tax cuts for the rich.”

What I will not do is provide cover for ideological descendants of those who sent children up chimneys. Vince Cable, Business Secretary

So far, so populist. Home Office minister Lynne Featherstone strayed into more perplexing territory, when she managed to trigger a sexism row. “If you leave it to – I’m going to say men in this case because that’s the way the world has worked – you get terrible decisions. Look at the mess the world is in, and look who has been in charge. I leave it there.” Indeed.

Audience perplexed

But all of the above paled into insignificance when compared to the – well, frankly incomparable Sarah Teather. Her disastrous stand-up routine has gone viral on the internet leaving the Liberal Democrat leadership apparently “dismayed”.

Ms Teather’s excruciating quips about Strictly Come Dancing, which fell on the perplexed audience like a series of lead balloons, look even more embarassing written down: George Osborne, she said, wanted to go on the show as well…” He wants to do a line dance”. Laugh? They almost voted for weighted AV.

No joking matter

The best thing to say about the Brent MP is that her efforts have sparked a new vein of humour on Twitter – you can search for them on #sarahteatherjokes for some light relief. Perhaps the old ones are the best after all: the biggest problem with political jokes, is that they end up getting elected.