Thought football was full of money and megalomania in 2013?
Then take a look at 2030. What will football be like in 15 years if current trends continue? Broadcaster and writer John Anderson imagines the future of the beautiful game.
The year 2013 in football will be remembered as much for betting scandals, megalomaniac club owners and World Cup stadium problems as for the retirement of Sir Alex Ferguson, Wigan’s FA Cup win and England’s qualification for the Brazil next summer.
As we enter 2014 broadcaster and writer John Anderson gazes into the future for a light-hearted look at what the game may end up like if current trends continue.
We present the End of Season Review 2029-30………
It was an historic season as The Cash Converters Euro Mega League produced an English winner for the first time ever. In their second year after being taken over by a multi-billionaire internet company, FC Google Watford Hornets landed the trophy after a thrilling final day home win over Real Taco Bell in Pasadena. More than 50 Hertfordshire-based fans made the trip to see the Cash League trophy presented to winning chief executive Luther Jenkins III by US President Snoop Dogg. The Hornets’ success was made all the more remarkable by the fact that they became the first club in the competition’s history to field an English player, as veteran Raheem Sterling came on as a last minute substitute.
Bet we do nothing
The FA Cup also produced a surprise winner as Emirates N5 ended their 25-year spell without a trophy by beating arch rivals Bet365 Hotspur in the final at the Sweet FA Stadium at Wembley. And they weren’t the only ones celebrating; a far eastern gambling syndicate had staked £3m at 50,000-1 on Gunners striker Selfie Hashtag celebrating his winning goal by climbing naked onto the roof of the stadium with Pay painted on one buttock and Up on the other.
“It was a spontaneous gesture” he explained afterwards “I owed it to the long-suffering fans.”
However, it was yet another blow to the FA’s government backed Bet We Do Nothing campaign.
The cradle of the game
On the global front, for the third consecutive time the World Cup was staged in the Middle East with Saudi Arabia following Qatar and the United Arab Emirates as hosts. The tournament, described by 94 year-old Fifa president Sepp Blatter as “a gift to the world from the cradle of the game”, was won for the first time by Bahrain.
Taking advantage of the new ruling that players may be transferred between nations as long as they have actually visited the purchasing country, the “Artful Bankers” beat Nike Samba Brazil 3-0 in the final thanks to goals by Altek Yemani, Bak Hande and Proen Sanvic. Triumphant Bahrain manager Sir Ashley Cole said afterwards: “this is a great day for this proud footballing nation, although we nearly crashed the team bus when we realised the prize money was only $658m.”
The tournament was a success off the field too, with only nine players dying of heat exhaustion during games, five fewer than in 2026.
Zone H Play-Off tragedy
It was another disappointing season for England, who are still stuck in the eighth tier of the expanded European qualification pyramid after losing an agonising Zone H Play-Off final to Lebanon on penalties. The result saw coach Cristiano Ronaldo flounce off with a £23m payout after only two months in charge.
“It was an experiment which backfired” admitted FA chairwoman Gabby Logan “we had to sell St George’s Park to pay for his hair products alone.”
Despite his age, Dagenham & Redbridge manager Harry Redknapp is favourite to land the job, pledging to get the Three Lion Bars into the 2032 Michel Platini Euro Super Cup. This revamped competition will feature an expanded format of 108 nations competing in 56 venues across all five continents. Incidentally, let’s give a big welcome to the Uefa family to Sark, Rockall and Canvey Island.
More football, more innovations
Next season promises to be an even more exciting campaign with even greater innovations. For the first time, every club will have to include at least two celebrities in their starting eleven, games will be played over four quarters of 15 minutes each and goals from inside the penalty area won’t count. Among the newcomers will be Gazprom Gateshead who are owned by the recently released Uzbek warlord Yevgeny Kalashnikov and will play their home games at the purpose built AK-47 Stadium in Tashkent.
“He fulfilled all our fit and proper persons criteria” said a Cash Converters Euro Mega League spokesman.
God bless this great game of ours!