An axe to Grindr? Stories from the dating frontline

It began with Grindr (well, arguably it began when Eve ate the apple, but that’s another story).

“Traditional” online dating sites were the success stories of the nineties and early noughties, and now, according to match.com, one in four relationships start online. The next logical step in the modern world of smartphones was dating apps, and none have been more successful than Grindr, which caters exclusively for gay men.

Tinder is how people meet. It’s like real life, but better. Tinder’s strapline

Set up five years ago, it now has more users in London than any other city in the world (950,000). Across the globe, seven million men use it in 192 countries, and 10,000 new users download the app every day. Users have profiles in the same way as on other sites, and the site’s USP is matching people up with others who are nearby, according to the geo-location data on their phones.

There’s a spin-off for lesbian women too, called Brenda, and in the last few months Tinder – for straight people – has taken off. Its strapline? “Tinder is how people meet. It’s like real life, but better.”

Here are some stories from people who use the apps about how they have changed dating – and attitudes.

‘Grindr is more about yourself than anything’

“It’s a physical facilitator, it’s about how someone looks,” says Pat Cash, a journalist for QX magazine and sporadic Grindr user. “You’ve only got these little details to go on so the downside is… turning yourself into a box. It becomes I’m Pat, I’m 5’11, I’ve got dark hair and I might say, you know, toned body or something, and that becomes me.

“I think Grindr is only the sum of its users – it is not a reflection of the gay community or modern-day gay dating because people who use Grindr use it for a specific reason – they are mostly young, free and single, and they download it up for hook-ups, sex, to assuage an urge we all feel and can recognise whether you’re gay or straight, male or female, 18 or 80. The downside is the objectification and it takes away the full emotional gamut of being a human being.

“It does take away that idea of having to be out, on the scene, of going to a specific gay place and the worry that if you’re not in a specific gay place – you wouldn’t come on to anybody in a straight pub because you don’t know if they will be homophobic and punch you in the face.

“In a way Grindr is more about yourself than anything. People keep going back to it because those messages, that attention from other people, it’s about self-affirmation. It’s like taking a selfie and putting it on Facebook to get likes.

“I think the gay community suffers from an appearance of superficiality, of pop music, of dancing, of having no responsibilities – that’s changing slightly with equal marriage – but gay men generally don’t have kids, they’ve got a lot of disposable income, and so Grindr taps into that kind of idea and purports of it being superficial and all about fleeting encounters. But, you know, every gay man is looking for love, or most of them I know.”

‘It’s a technology-based cocktail of fun and awkward’

“They say when you’re gay getting a girlfriend is like trying to find a job; you either have to be referred by someone you know, or do it online,” says writer Nayla Ziadeh.

“Brenda is marketed to this specific niche – the female Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning, InterSex and Asexual (LGBTQIA) community, renowned for being a small world. Meaning half of the women you come across, especially if you live in a city like London, Brighton or Manchester, are ones you’ve already seen out and about. It’s a technology-based cocktail of fun and awkward.

Is Brenda political? Arguably any space that caters specifically to non-straight women, even if it’s a bright purple cyber one, will be by default. Nayla Ziadeh

“But is Brenda political? Arguably any space that caters specifically to non-straight women, even if it’s a bright purple cyber one, will be by default. There is an unconscious link between sex and politics when you’re queer.

“Of course, the software is principally social – bringing women together for friendship, sex, or romance. Apps like Brenda are not explicitly building an LGBTQIA cultural revolution, but they do help facilitate the social lives of those whose sexuality exists outside of the mainstream.”

‘It’s not all about superficial sex’

“I’ve had a couple of really rewarding hook-ups on there, that have just been sex, and they have done what it says on the tin and it’s served its purpose and been great,” says Dylan Jones, a writer and one half of a duo who makes podcasts about gay life in London.

“It’s a cliched line but how much do we ever know about someone who we meet in a bar and go home with? It’s not that different to that. The few times I have met people just for sex on here, I’ve asked to go for a drink or a coffee first, just to, you know, dip a toe in the water.

“It can be very instant. I have friends where someone comes across the street, they meet them, then walk off back to their flat. That’s how instant it can be, although that’s not for me.

“You meet couples in bars…and you ask how long have you been together, and they say two years. And…sometimes they say, we met on Grindr. So it does last sometimes and it goes to show it’s not all about superficial sex.

“I was talking to my straight female flatmate and she’s got Tinder and I was interested because I never thought it would work with the ‘straight community’…I think because with men, there’s a lot more emphasis on just sex.

“Not because that’s a gay thing, I just think men – this is a generalisation – are more sexual in general, so it’s more acceptable for two men to say, oh shall we go and have sex, whereas if he said that to a woman, she might be a bit taken aback.

“It’s definitely changed for gay men but it’s changed for straight people too with the internet. Ten years ago dating websites were considered a bit sad and a bit pathetic and you only went on there if you couldn’t find a boyfriend, but now all my female friends and male straight friends, 90 per cent are on [the sites].”

‘Dating for the new digital generation’

“Tinder is like going up to a man in a bar but eliminating most of the risk factors,” says Moira Scarlett, who works in the film industry.

“You don’t have to fear face-to-face rejection, and you are armed with some prior information, even if only very basic. You can swipe through hundreds of men in a matter of minutes until you see someone that you fancy, and then you send a message. Being on your phone everything moves much faster than internet dating and you can be having a drink with that person within the hour.

You can be having a drink with that person within the hour. Moira Scarlett

“You don’t have to waste any time. It is acceptable to just see someone you like, go for a drink, and then do whatever takes your fancy.

“You have a massive pool of people to choose from – I really don’t see any negatives. Yes, there are always some perverts and weirdos, but they are fairly easy to filter out.

“It is dating for the new digital generation and it is great fun.”