Osborne plays the numbers game

Numerology is a term which can be used for those who place excess faith in numerical patterns and see a mystical relationship between numbers and living things.

The modern practitioners of this occult-like pseudo science are often called Chancellors of the Exchequer and they held a branch meeting down at the House of Commons yesterday afternoon.

The chief priest of this mysterious cult used to be called Prudence but he is reported to have fled to a remote fastness earlier this year after doubts were raised about some of his more far fetched of foretellings.

Thus it was left to the incumbent George Osborne to take up the mantle of confusing the nation with a series of numbers both large and small.

In his task George had been aided earlier in the day by the wonderfully named Office of Budget Responsibility (OBR) created just a few months ago to try to make sure that the Treasury and George does not lie to us.

The OBR announced that they had further crunched the numbers that they last crunched in June and had discovered we were a lot better off now then we were when they had first forecast them just six months ago.

Faced with such an early Christmas present George was in uncharacteristically smiling form as he rose to present the Autumn statement to MPs.

Thanks to “decisive action” by the Government we would not borrow a gigantic £149 billion this year but rather just £148bn.

Sticking to the plan and to the course would mean that only 330,000 people would end up on the dole instead of the 490,000 so confidently forecast by the OBR six months ago.

We were well off enough to lend the Irish £3bn plus and confident enough, said the Chancellor, to say “Britain is on the mend”.

George had started his speech flanked by two Lib Dems Nick Clegg and Danny Alexander, both obviously desperate to be associated with any good news.

The Prime Minister slipped into his seat late with the look if someone who had just been told what Wilileaks said the Americans really thought about him.

We already knew that Mervyn King, the Governor of the Bank if England had accused George of “lack of depth” but at least that was before the election, your honour.

The Tories cheered, the Lib Dems – or most of them – looked less sickly.

George even referred to his new bf Business Secretary Vince Cable with whom he will be heading up a whole new series of committees.

Vince appeared to be absent but it is only a few weeks until his appearance on the Christmas Strictly Come Dancing special and you have to rehearse for some time.

Armageddon averted

Earlier in the day Shadow Chancellor Alan Johnson had been interviewed in the Financial Times.

He told its readers: “I’m a great believer in the philosophy that if you’ve not got anything to say, keep your mouth shut.”

Having obviously reviewed a principle which, if universally accepted, would close down parliament and end politics for all time, he decided at 3.45pm to abandon it.

It wasn’t George who deserved the credit he declared, but rather his Labour predecessor Alistair who would have been there to accept the plaudits had he not been up to his armpits in snow somewhere north of Hadrian’s Wall.

Turn on, tune in, drop out

Alan is a rare sight on the benches of both Government and Opposition benches these days as he is the only one who appears to have grey hair, not to mention being one of the few accused of having a real job earlier in life.

He had demonstrated his loyalty to his new regime in the same FT interview earlier.

If the public were to “tune into Radio Ed,” he said, they would find something they really liked.

As the Shadow Chancellor struggled manfully on, by his side Radio Ed looked like he had tuned out.

Peter McHugh is the former director of programmes at GMTV and was this year awarded the Royal Television Society Lifetime Achievement Award.