PMQs: an uneasy truce

It wasn’t quite in the league of the Christmas Truce of 1914 but the February Truce of 2011 may yet make it into the history books.

You will of course remember then the two sides in the conflict that became known as World War One quit their trenches for a game of footy in no man’s land. Observers reported they were stunned by this sudden outbreak of peace.

It can now be reported that they were equally stunned 97 years on when, without even a ball being produced, peace broke out at Prime Minister’s Questions.

Bear pit of British politics

For aficionados, PMQs is the bear pit of British politics where reputations are made and lost, where Thatcher and Blair were the victors and Major and Brown the vanquished.

In the short shelf life of the present Parliament the weekly contest between Ed Miliband and David Cameron has guaranteed a full house with the added spice of neither leader knowing whether all their enemies were facing or behind them. But on Wednesday all of this changed.

MPs were stunned when peace broke out at Prime Minister’s Questions.

On the surface everything looked the same. Dave urbane, slightly florid, wearing a blue tie to obviously confuse those who claim he is not the rightful heir to Maggie. By his side the ever loyal Nick with the sickly pallor expected of the man who just this week has added accusations that he downs tools daily at 3pm to the popularity he achieved over student fees.

Seasoned observers noticed one big difference. Missing from Dave’s side was his best buddy Gentleman George Osborne, pugilist of this parish, and usually on hand to bait the opposition with haughty looks.

In the opposite corner the Leader of the Opposition was also missing his best bruiser Ed Balls, although he could be spotted being restrained further down the Labour front bench.

And they’re off

Suddenly PMQs were off. An ordinary MP asked the first question as usual and the crowd ignored this, as usual, although beginning to clear their throats and expand their lungs for the main event.

A frisson of excitement as Ed M got to his feet. Everyone leant forward to see just what would he bash Dave with.

Ed asked about Egypt and Dave said the UK wanted an orderly transition to democratic government. Ed agreed and MPs sat back in their seats.

Then Ed moved on to Afghanistan and the MPs leant forward again only to be told that the Labour leader has just been out to visit the troops.

He said a “lasting political settlement” was needed in Afghanistan and hearing that revolutionary analysis Dave, who had spent all morning preparing for the usual onslaught, realized finally that today at least there would be no political hook to get off. Dave agreed with Ed and thanked Ed for agreeing with him.

Wrong day?

By now half the chamber clearly thought they had turned up on the wrong day or in the wrong place.

They laughed wryly when Ed, the only one in on the plan, said people weren’t used to “this kind of PMQs”. They grinned sheepishly when Dave said people in the Commons might “prefer a bun-fight”.

By now half the chamber clearly thought they had turned up on the wrong day.

“You’re not kidding,” was the reply you felt the members would have shouted had they not been in shock.

Labour’s Ronnie Campbell tried to get things back on track with a “cuts hits everyone” charge at the Government but even his Geordie accent failed to get them going.

It was 12.31 when the chamber finally sparked into life, over trees. Dave was accused of planning to sell them off, said a Labour MP to bellows from both sides.

“The Prime Minister must not be shouted at,” said the Speaker. Was that Ed nodding in agreement? Normal service next week.

Peter McHugh is the former director of programmes at GMTV and was this year awarded the Royal Television Society Lifetime Achievement Award.