PMQs of many hues

It was Nick turning up late in a bright yellow tie that made observers realize it really was all over. A year ago the colour co-ordination controllers would have made sure that they were singing off the same palette but Dave had arrived in Tory blue.

No-one had ever said a year was a long time in politics until today when it was finally clear that the great romance celebrated with such hope in the rose garden of 10 Downing Street had come to an end.

Actually it ended unofficially last Thursday with the thrashing of the Lib Dems at just about every poll in the country. But it was officially laid to rest this morning when Nick said there would be no more Mr Nice Guy.

That was clearly enough to pack the benches at Prime Ministers Questions as all sides waited to see if there would be tears following the break-up but there was even more drama tipped to come.

Tory strategists had finally worked out that Labour had developed a neat line in wind-ups which had turned the Prime Minister in recent outings from the urbane leader he wanted to be into a red-faced ranter some thought redolent of Harry Flashman of Tom Brown’s Schooldays fame.

The phrase “Crimson Tide” is apparently chanted throughout PMQs to mark the rise of the red line above the Prime Ministerial collar and you could hear the sound of Labour members practicing their scales and clearing their throats

So on the day Nick had been told to swap nice for nasty Dave was under equal pressure from his boys to do just the opposite.

And so the stage was set and waiting in the wings Labour leader Ed Miliband; shortly to marry himself but, unlike the other two, with a hefty eight-year courtship behind him.

Ed must have pondered himself on events a year ago when the best he had hoped for was a seat in the Shadow Cabinet led by his brother David, an outcome still desired by more than a few of his own side.

His case was not helped by Labour’s own lacklustre performance last week particularly in losing Scotland to the SNP despite having a ten per cent poll lead a month before the election.

The leaders of the Lib-Dem , Labour and Tory Parties in Scotland all resigned after the election results. That wouldn’t be raised here.

Ed knew he had to make a bit of a show and he caught Dave straight away with the National Health Service. The Prime Minister has been in trouble with the NHS ever since giving his Health Secretary Andrew Lansley his head on its reforms.

Andrew was always seen as a decent cove,safe pair of hands, friendly with the people who count in the Health Service. But that was before he published his plans. Overnight Dave’s pledge that the NHS was safe in Tory hands came under the hammer, Andrew’s health friends did a runner and even Nick had to say enough might be enough.

Scotland safely forgotten, Ed asked Dave what he had done with the Health Secretary; where was he to be found? There was a pair of crutches to be seen in the gap between the Deputy Prime Minister and the Prime Minister and some wondered if they were there in Andrew’s place, but they were the property of another damaged Conservative.

“You cannot trust the Tories with the NHS” said Ed with the pleasure of being able to re-work an old Labour slogan of the 1980’s. Labour’s benches cheered and suddenly it was clear that Dave had not yet completed the anti-Flashman course.

“Calm down dear, calm down” said Ed echoing Dave’s unfortunate aside of a fortnight ago, and the Prime Minister did just the opposite.

Meanwhile Mr Nasty had clearly also forgotten his new role as his one time partner came under attack. Nick might not be able to speak at PMQs but he has developed the habit of of nodding like Churchill the insurance dog whenever
Dave speaks. His people promised he would be weaned off this but old loyalties die hard and he was at it like a metronome on speed.

Prime Ministers Questions should start at 12 noon and finish at 12.30 but the Speaker John Bercow apparently adopts the attitude of a football referee and adds minutes for deliberate time-wasting. Thus shortly after telling the Secretary for State for Education to stop shouting his head off, he called a Lib-Dem MP who,obviously mindful of his own position asked the Prime Minister to sum up what the last year of Coalition Government had brought to the Nation. Mr Cameron stood up to answer at 12.31 and sat down at 12.32.