PMQs offers little Christmas cheer for party leaders

It is said that there is nothing like Christmas to bring out the best in people and it was definitely nothing like Christmas as our masters met for the last time before the festive season.

Goodwill was in short supply as insults rather than presents were swopped in the nearest the House of Commons gets to an office party: Prime Minister’s Question time.

Just 12 short months ago the world was a different place. Dave was heroic head of a Conservative Party ten points ahead in the opinion polls; Nick the leader of the idealistic friend-to-all Lib Dems – set straight on the path of permanent opposition – and Ed was still David’s younger brother.

There was an air of over-excitement in the Chamber

A few letters to Santa and suddenly…with bags and boxes packed for the hols (MPs go off on December 21 before rushing back to work on January 10) there was an air of over-excitement in the Chamber.

Dave, who last week had Vince Cable squirming next to him as Westminster was under siege from angry students, restored best friend and Chancellor George Osborne back to his side for this Christmas special.

Vince, obviously recovered from the student assault, had been pictured earlier in white tie and tails, preparing for another Christmas special – Strictly Come Dancing.

In his regular place, hugger mugger, with the Prime Minister, his deputy Nick – with the permanent look of someone sitting in the wrong seat expecting to be moved on.

Opposite sat Ed, so short of mates that he had ended up with Douglas Alexander, Shadow Secretary for Work and Pensions, whose most recent claim to fame has been to insist Labour admit some responsibility for our present economic woes.

It may have been that shock, though, which infected Ed’s performance. He tried a scatter-gun approach on Dave, accusing him of breaking his promises over health, ignoring unemployment, being insensitive to the scrapping of EMAs, etc.

All three party leaders at least share the common bond of knowing that large parts of their own side don’t like them, not to mention the opposition.

His side was so impressed that Shadow Chancellor Alan Johnson started an animated conversation with Douglas Alexander behind his back.

Having got into the Christmas spirit by referring to Nick as the back-end of a pantomime horse, Ed escaped back to his seat.

Not to be outdone, Dave shouted “look behind you”, in reference to the less than enthusiastic response from Ed’s benches. This was dangerous ground for the PM, since all three party leaders at least share the common bond of knowing that large parts of their own side don’t like them, not to mention the opposition.

Indeed, he had spent breakfast listening to some of his MPs complaining he was spending more time with Nick than with them.

Nick himself has gone from hero to zero amongst half of his own party for taking the shilling and joining Dave, not to mention carrying the can for the coalition’s tuition fees policy.

And Ed even managed to persuade Glasgow hard man John Reid out of retirement yesterday to mug him for “not understanding” New Labour.

Lord Reid was kind enough to say Dave was growing into the job of PM, whilst making it clear he had no such optimism about the leader of his own party.

Someone asked about the date of the by-election at Oldham East. This reference to real events beyond Christmas sent a cold shiver through the House.

With more than a few Christmases tucked firmly – some would say literally – beneath his belt sat the forlorn figure of the Justice Secretary, Ken Clarke.

Ken – charged with “not understanding” New Tory by refusing to open a prison on every street corner – had the look of a man out of favour and possibly soon out of office.

But that may have been the thought that occurred to most of them when, as PMQs was about to be decently laid to rest, someone asked about the date of the by-election at Oldham East. This reference to real events beyond Christmas sent a cold shiver through the House.

For the uninitiated Oldham East (and Saddleworth for those who live there) is to find a new MP since the old one – Labour’s Phil Woolas – was kicked out for telling porkies about one of his opponents. Mr Woolas – and indeed many MPs – protested than no one had ever told them this was naughty.

The Lib Dems fancied their chances since they came within a whisker of winning last time, but that of course was before the Coalition, not to mention tuition fees, and before the news that even Mr Darcy has given up on them.

Dave cannot be seen to play this one too soft and further infuriate his own right wing or too strong and anger coalition supporters.

Labour should be out of the running, having been nicked in possession as it were, but have a message which could resonate: “Vote Tory and get David Cameron. Vote Lib Dem and get the same”.

The Coalition can only hope “Vote Labour and get Ed Miliband” is equally frightening to the children.

Merry Christmas, but as for New Year…

Peter McHugh is at: peter@quiddityproductions.com