PMQs: royal engagement sneaks into the Commons

You could tell by the way they looked at each other it was the real thing .One looked proudly ahead, the other shyly down to the floor. After all one was king, the other merely consort.

The nation sighed. Nick straightened his shoulders, Dave his tie. It was time once again for Prime Minister’s Questions.

The Commons was packed as members digested the news of the other royal romance. The cynics remembered how the coalition government was sneaked in as Nick and Dave announced their union. What would the William and Kate get-together be used for?

Dancing to the despatch box

Vince Cable had started the day by announcing that apart from his day job as business secretary, coping with the worst economic crisis since the 1920’s, he was also practicing for the Christmas Edition of Strictly Come Dancing.

This clearly set the tone for PMQs as Dave sashayed to his feet to face his audience.

Earlier in the week the Prime Minister had let it be known he wanted the Office of National Statistics to add the measurement of happiness to its regular checks on the nation’s health.

To kick start the survey he pounced onto the news of the royal engagement as an indication of happiness to come next year. He said there was “excitement” throughout the country at the announcement and MPs bayed in agreement.

This excitement had not however apparently travelled as far as the face of his own partner Nick who sat glum faced by his side. Was he upset because their fairy tale romance had been upstaged or because support for the Lib Dems had crashed to just 10 per cent in this morning’s opinion poll. Whatever, you could tell he would rather by anywhere else.

But Dave was not to be put off by little local difficulties as he basked in the realisation of at least six months of royal distraction from the problems at home.

Not even the sudden appearance of Harriet Harman, standing in for Labour’s Ed still on paternity leave could put him off his stride.

Mind you flanked on one side by the man who would be Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls and the other by the man who rather wouldn’t Alan Johnson, Harriet didn’t put up much of a fight. Still in the doghouse with her own side for rubbishing sacked MP Phil Woolas she tried to nail Dave on his decision to give a whole new meaning to short term appointments to the civil service.

Vanity

Would Dave care to comment on his decision to get rid of his vanity photographer just days after appointing him. As Dave had no intention of wriggling on this particular painful hook he listed some of Labour’s less successful appointees. Damien McBride was disinterred to give pleasure and relief to suddenly silent Tory backbenchers.

Speaker Bercow who has been displaying a tendency in recent weeks to stage some increased separation between his pram and his toys had clearly had enough. “It’s time for questions and answers”, he bellowed or he would have had he been taller. MPs fell silent at the thought.

“I look forward to visiting Scotland soon”, said Dave in reply to someone from north of the border and MPs fell even more silent.

But hang on there was something missing from the fray and as Dave sat down from this latest witticism all became clear, George aka the Chancellor of the Exchequer was not in his seat.

Dave had obviously tried to fool his backbenchers by sticking International Development Secretary Andrew Mitchell in his place as the two must look the same from behind but surely not all were taken in.

Ireland
After all hadn’t George popped up on the news earlier in Brussels pledging £7bn to bail out the Irish.

Billions, Brussels and the Irish in the same sentence – surely a riot on the Tory benches. Not a mention! The Speaker let PMQs ramble on way past its end time, still not a mention. Dave sat down with a smile and this was just the first day of the Royal distraction.

The Prime Minister told us yesterday that 30 years ago he was so excited by the wedding of William’s mam and dad – Charles and Diana – that he camped out on the Mall. Unless he sorts out the housing benefits problem in central London there could be quite a few families camping out there with him come the next Royal wedding

As it is, let us hope it’s not the crack down on housing benefits that’s making William and Kate move to North Wales.

Peter McHugh is the former director of programmes at GMTV and was this year awarded the Royal Television Society Lifetime Achievement Award.