Peeps and Epic Prejudice – Jane Austen re-imagined for 2013

Everybody knows that a single man of a certain age and a stash of cash must be on the look out for a wife – this is a modern day fact – unless of course he’s gay, or a priest…or in prison.

Even if very little is known about this man (and let’s face it who cares, he’s minted) you can guarantee that any parent with a daughter within a five-mile radius will have already claimed this single man as their future son-in-law. Creepy? Maybe.

Sadly Mrs Bennet was no different, “Roger you’re not going to believe this! Roger, are you listening to me?” Roger Bennet, feigning deafness, continued to read the FT. “I was having a look on Zoopla earlier today, you know just having a browse… and did you know that that big house on Netherfield Road has been let?”

Mr Bennet replied that he did not but that his care factor was below zero.

Mr Bennet replied that he was encouraged to hear someone was making money considering the rest of the country was experiencing a triple-dip recession.

“Well it has! And not just that, but it’s been let to a very rich man! Val literally just texted me with the news. Apparently he’s northern, not his fault, and he drove down on Monday in a Porsche to have a look at the place! Not a Toyota Yaris Roger, a Porsche! Val reckons he’s going to move in straight away and his lease is for six months! We’ve got to get the girls a spray tan asap! And I’ve left the best till last…. Val looked him up on the interweb and you are not going to BELIEVE THIS but he’s one of the top 100 richest men!”

Mr Bennet replied that he was encouraged to hear someone was making money considering the rest of the country was experiencing a triple-dip recession.

“I take it he’s single?”

“Of course he’s single! I wouldn’t be going on about him if he was married! We’ve got to find a way for him to meet our girls. Maybe we could have a BBQ or a picnic…”

“It’s January…”

“Why are you blocking this? Do you want our five daughters to be lesbians or worse, feminists?”

“What’s his name?”

“Finally you’re showing some interest! His name’s David Bingley, Val showed me a pic of him on that Goggle and he’s a dish! You have to introduce yourself to him!”

“I’d rather tug my eyeballs out of my head and throw them against a brick wall.”

“That feels like a ‘No’ Roger, and you know how my nerves get when you say no!”

She’s not half as good looking as Jane or as much fun as Lydia, who just the other day showed me a video on YouTube of a cat swimming in a bath!

“What makes you think he’ll be interested in our girls? They are utterly vacuous. I’ve had more engaging conversations with a glazed boiled egg. Only Lizzie’s got anything to say. If he likes her I’ll happily put in a good word.

“I wish you’d stop going on about Lizzie! She’s not half as good looking as Jane or as much fun as Lydia, who just the other day showed me a video on YouTube of a cat swimming in a bath! It was totes hilarious!”

“I rest my case.”

“If you don’t help me with this I’m going to have one of my turns and it’ll be your fault!”

“I’ve experienced enough of your turns, Sandra, to know that they’ll pass….like wind.”

Mr Bennet was a reserved and generally sarcastic man particularly in the company of his wife. After 23 years it was clear they had nothing in common. Sandra Bennet’s interests lay exclusively in the contents of OK magazine, local gossip and marrying her daughters to any man earning over £75,000 a year. In short, she was dull.

Find Jen Brister at jenbrister.co.uk and follow her on Twitter @jenbrister