Spending review: The Westminster theatre

There are some who say George Gideon Oliver Osborne – educated at St Paul’s public school Hammersmith and Magdalene College Oxford (where he was a member of the infamous Bullingdon Club), heir to the 400 year old Osborne baronetcy of Ballentaylor in County Tipperary and to a very large slice of the Osborne and Little wallpaper money, said to be worth millions – is out of touch with the real people of this country.

Well he had the chance to put that record straight yesterday with the lead part in the latest drama to hit London: “The End of the World as We Know It”.

Matinee
The Chancellor, as he is now known to his friends, was billed to appear in the House of Commons for a matinee performance.

George looked grim and Danny looked Scottish, which is grim squared.

He set the tone for the tough financial times ahead by taking his seat in a rather large car for the journey from the Treasury, which some estimate could be almost 200 feet.

He was accompanied by his Chief Secretary, Danny Alexander, who used the same car the previous day to inadvertently reveal shocking details of the cuts to come to press photographers who were lying in wait in the bushes that line Whitehall.

George looked grim and Danny looked Scottish, which is grim squared.

Warm-up act
Luckily for both, a warm up act had been prepared by their friend Dave (Eton, Oxford, the Bullingdon and himself not short of a few family bob) with a quick half hour of PMQs.

Labour’s Ed and his side were also there and having clearly been out of the country for the last 13 years were shocked and appalled to discover what had happened in their absence.

As befits those whose annual salaries of £65,000 plus expenses means no more child credits, MPs were beside themselves with excitement.

Back in the studio the BBC had put its cuts package into immediate effect by replacing that other Bullingdon boy – David Dimbleby – with the cheaper, north of the border version, Andrew Neil.

Dave stared off into space looking as if he was doing mental arithmetic to make the numbers add up.

With George and Danny to the left of him and Nick to the right it was clear that although the Lib Dems might only have a small share of the power they were going to get a large share of the responsibility. Tory MPs cheered again.

Ed gave Dave a bit of a drubbing last week but the Prime Minister didn’t get where he is today… etc and proceeded to give the Labour leader a good – if well brought up – kicking.

Main event
That set the stage nicely for the main event and the Speaker, himself hoarse with apparent excitement, finally called George to his feet.

Suddenly Nick moved. Was he he doing a runner? No, he was holding Danny’s hand, who had looked a bit friendless since letting slip that 490,000 public sector jobs were to go.

George, his voice half an octave higher than normal, started by saying “we are all in this together” – a sentiment shared by all MPs at least until they get back to their constituencies on Friday.

Having warned the nation to stand by for cuts of 40 per cent, the Chancellor appeared to let us all down gently by talking of cuts of just four per cent here and six per cent there. Dave stared off into space looking as if he was doing mental arithmetic to make the numbers add up.

George clasped and unclasped his hands in prayer as he preached equality of pain for all. Muted cheers from his side as he yet again ring fenced international aid. Louder cheers as he vowed to crack down on £5bn of benefit cheating, not quite so loud when he said tax dodging cost £7bn pa. And of course that was the devil in the detail – the pesky per annum bit. That makes four per cent cuts for the police 16 per cent and six per cent for prisons 24 per cent and so it went on.

At least the museums are free
Some good news for the new unemployed whose benefits will also be cut, but free entry to galleries and museums will be maintained.

That could also be helpful to pensioners who, George admitted ruefully, were increasing in numbers. They would still get free specs, bus passes, winter fuel etc, but from 2020 they have to work until 66 to get their pensions. Just yesterday the Government revealed that people who live up north die up to 13 years sooner than those in the south so maybe more savings yet.

The private sector would ride to the rescue said the Chancellor, helped by some substantial spends on valuable projects.The Prime Minister said earlier that 38 top businessmen had backed the Government and promised business would provide the jobs. One of them told Jon Snow on Tuesday he planned to employ 100 new people.

Where’s Gordon?
One person notable by his absence, and one assumed already in his constituency, was the member for Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath formerly known as Gordon Brown. Missed more by the Tories than by Labour, the mention of his name seemed to send a shiver through the Opposition benches. “An end to boom or bust”, Dave had jeered earlier. Prudence on a permanent holiday like her former boyfriend. The great clunking fist, the Scottish sulk rarely seen in daylight any more. George mentioned his absence regretfully not for the last time.

By the end you weren’t certain just what was happening.

And so he went on, department after department, the bad news followed by the bad news. He understood public anger over the banks. Those with the most should pay the most.”I wish it was otherwise on child benefit” he said to groans of agreement from his side.

By the end you weren’t certain just what was happening. Health was protected but some jobs would go. Schools were protected but couldn’t be rebuilt. By the end you wondered whether anybody would be or should be affected. He spoke for an hour and five minutes. Everyone was worn out.

Affable Alan
After that we all needed a laugh and suddenly we had one – the Shadow Chancellor Alan Johnson. Affable Alan, as he is known on the comedy circuit, was chosen by Ed Milliband for his ability not to be Ed Balls. As the man who says he knows nothing of economics – as opposed to Gordon Brown and Nigel Lawson to name but two – he may yet surprise us all but not quite yet. He got the Coalition beside themselves when he said “we have seen people cheering the deepest cuts in living memory” but blustered over George’s clever end charge that their cuts were less than Labour’s. It wasn’t the jester’s day and – though Ed B looked on in envy – Ed M had the look of one who suddenly realised he might have made a big mistake.

In the best traditions of British politics all the bad bits had been trailed in advance and often advertised as worse than they turned out. But in a week when the Government agreed to build two aircraft-less aircraft carriers because it was cheaper than cancelling them it was never going to be their day.

There is a story that says a man, sentenced to eternity in hell, was given a choice of rooms where he could spend it. Having tried a number of doors behind which were scenes of unmentionable horror he reluctantly settled on one where he stood with many others up to his neck in odure.

However having been given tea in a rather nice porcelain cup on his arrival he thought, “well it could be a lot worse”. Just then a whistle blew and a voice bellowed “tea break’s over , back on your heads.”

It was George’s turn to blow the whistle yesterday.

Peter McHugh is the former director of programmes at GMTV and was this year awarded the Royal Television Society Lifetime Achievement Award.