The Deputy – and the deputy’s friend

It was a rare sighting of the less-than-often-spotted Nick Clegg in full plumage that made Parliamentary twitchers realise that spring had finally arrived.

Nick had been conspicuous by his absence in recent weeks in what seemed to be a deliberate attempt by his few remaining friends to keep him out of the public eye following his success with university tuition fees.

In fact so popular is the Deputy Prime Minister that last week he was dispatched to Mexico so he would not be around for the launch of the Alternative Vote campaign which, to the horror of those who back it, he has promised to fully support.

But Deputy PM he is and cannot be hidden away for ever and so he was trotted out for a session of bear-baiting in the House of Commons masquerading as his monthly question-and-answer session.

Normally this bloodletting is a well-attended affair, as MPs on both sides suspend their usual knockabout with each other to unite in common contempt of Dave’s sidekick.

Deputy PM he is and cannot be hidden away for ever and so he was trotted out for a session of bear-baiting in the House of Commons.

But only the die-hards were around for this last kicking of the Parliamentary season, because for the rest the Easter hols had already begun. That may come as a surprise to those for whom the Easter weekend is still more than two weeks away but MPs, having already earned the nation’s trust over expenses, seem unwilling to look upon having the next three weeks off as a perk.

So it was in a relatively sparsely-packed chamber that Nick appeared to take his punishment.

It is axiomatic in the House of Commons that when you stand up at the Dispatch Box your political enemies are in front of you. Nick has the extra frisson of knowing his are also behind him.

It is bad enough for many Tory MPs that they have been denied their place in the sun – or at least on the Government’s payroll – by a group of Lib Dem appointees, who in their wildest dreams never thought they would be in power. What makes it worse is that they have to sit sickly smiling when policies they have spent lifetimes opposing are put forward as Coalition policy.

But luckily the deal did leave some issues on which the Coalition does not have to agree and maximum pleasure is to be obtained from making the differences obvious – nowhere more so than on AV.

This is an issue in which Nick and Dave have had to part company as the Prime Minister seeks to remind his side that the Coalition does not mean the Lib Dems always get their way.

Nick’s buddy

So as Nick got to his feet his previous best buddy was more than happy to be seen on the other side of the globe in Pakistan rather than by his side. That honour went to the man most likely to be strapped to the Deputy Prime Minister if his detractors in both the Tory and Lib Dem parties get the chance to slip him over the wall into the Thames from the House of Commons terrace some quiet night. Step forward Danny Alexander, Chief Secretary to the Treasury.

He seemed to be the only Cabinet Minister to find time to provide moral support for Nick, who swiftly found himself under attack from all sides on issues from AV (mostly Tories) to local elections (mostly Labour).

What the Chamber lacked in attendance it made up for in volume as almost all cheered at his discomfort. As he got grumpier and grumpier his opponents got happier and happier.

His only support came from his constant companion, Danny, who increased his rate of head-nodding in direct proportion to the volume of jeering.

With both the AV referendum and the local elections taking place on 5 May, where did the Deputy Prime Minister expect to be on 6 May, asked one Labour wag.

“I’ll be in Government and he in opposition,” snapped Nick. Danny’s head nodded so furiously you feared for those nearby.

Peter McHugh is the former director of programmes at GMTV and was last year awarded the Royal Television Society Lifetime Achievement Award.