Interview with four of the Mums [who] Make Porn

12 March 2019

Before doing this documentary, had you discussed porn with your children?

Emma: My daughters and I have a really good open relationship but porn is something you don’t discuss. You talk about losing your virginity, the morning after pill and all those bits and pieces but you don’t talk about porn. When we were approached to do this project, I asked my daughters if they had watched porn. Neither had and they were happy to say so. All their friends had. Their girlfriends thought it was unrealistic. But the boys thought it was something they had to do and it was something they were going to do to the girls. I wanted to do this to get people talking.

Anita: I have got four boys and my eldest is 24. We generally talk about everything at the dinner table. Even though we don’t go into depth with the younger ones they are aware of sex. They know the parts of the body. Vagina, penis we don’t change those names. For them, it’s just normal. My 16-year-old told us that he has watched a little bit of porn but preferred music videos…, he said watching porn wasn’t his thing. We had a long conversation about the reality of porn and a conversation about sex in general. As I have got boys, consent is very important and I have always taught them to respect people’s space.

Sarah: I have got two girls, who are 16 and 12. Even my 16-year-old is quite young and so I have never had the sex talk or porn with them. We have made up names for body parts like winky dinky! Never in a million years would I want to sit down and talk about sex. It would cripple me. However, when I started doing this programme, some of the school mums told me what is rife now are teenagers sending photos of themselves. Young kids aged 11 are sending photos of themselves naked. One 16-year-old boy apparently said: ‘I have pretty much seen every girl naked in my year group’. Police are always called in and our local MP said it was a real problem. I realised that was a conversation I needed to have with my daughters. I sat them both down and my 11-year-old told me: ‘I have done all my research, I wouldn’t do that and I wouldn’t write anything nasty’. So even though I hadn’t talked about sex, I had talked about respect. That is your stepping-stone to sex education.

Sarah-Louise: When I heard the statistics about how young children are, I asked my son if he had watched porn and he replied ‘yeah course I have’. I was like, ‘Ok, what were your thoughts son?!’

Have you told your children you are doing this?

All: Yes

 

Had you watched porn before?

Anita: Yes. I watch porn with my husband. We use it as part of our sex life.

Emma: I have watched it. But I didn’t need it as a tool. The stuff I saw didn’t get me. There was nothing visually enticing that tickled my fancy. It didn’t get me to the point of going ‘this is really hot’. And that’s why I didn’t use it.

Sarah-Louise: I did watch it about ten years ago with my ex- partner but my husband and I didn’t watch it. I didn’t have a problem with porn but we just didn’t watch it.

Sarah: I am the same as Emma. It didn’t do anything for me.

 

Were you shocked by what was out there?

Emma: I wasn’t shocked because I have a low shock threshold and I wasn’t repulsed. I knew it was out there and when we looked together, that was the first time I saw the harder stuff. I knew it was wrong, violent and aggressive but I felt it had to be corrected. I didn’t feel like ‘I am so horrified, I can’t watch it’. Instead I wanted to see what I could do about it. I used it as a method of purpose rather than it offending me.

Sarah: Yes I was. Within two clicks, I could watch hot young gay boys or a girl gets raped. Even now when I think about it, I feel shocked.

Sarah-Louise: Yes. It had been a long time since I watched porn. And so when I was exposed to porn, it shocked me. It felt wrong and it took me to a bad place. The journey for me has been very up and down. I didn’t like it and I didn’t like the fact my kids had probably been exposed to it.

Anita: I wasn’t shocked by what I had seen. Everything I enjoy with my husband isn’t that but I was aware of what was out there.  I had already had conversations with my children about being careful about what they saw. The reason I got involved is I knew it was out there.

Emma: I heard a story about a girl being hurt by someone and she feared she had a terrible STI. How did the boy learn what he did? From a porn film. He went straight in there and he did not care about the consequences.

 

What was your goal making the film?

Sarah-Louise: My daughter said that if her boyfriend saw porn, he might look at an actress and compare. For me, it was about body size and body image. It was very important we showed different body types, diversity and also that there wasn’t a type. You could have different sized breasts, penis and vaginas. They all look different. I wanted to show there was diversity in appearance.

Sarah: For me, it was about communication and consent. I wanted connection.

Emma: I wanted it to be an educational purpose. I wanted to show you could have intimacy and a connection in porn. I wanted them to enjoy each other but have communication with each other. I wanted to demonstrate that in our film as well as consent and body image. I wanted to make porn that we will all get stimulated by and serve everyone.

Anita: Like everyone else, it was about showing young people that it was ok to try things and experiment but to always be aware. I wanted to show reality and show what sex is really like and how you get from A to B. I did not want people to feel ashamed.

 

How many people have you got in your film?

Sarah-Louise: Four. We have got girl on girl and a boy/girl. We had one chance at this. We wanted to make it good. We wanted to show as much as we could in one film. We have gone for something a little bit different as normally you pick an audience and you pick your film. For instance, if you were a lesbian, you would make a lesbian film. It’s unusual in the porn world, as you don’t normally combine them. We wanted to show you could have the same chemistry with different couples. We try to mirror it as much as possible. No matter what you are into, there are important messages we wanted to get across. The big message is we have communication in our porn film. They ask for things.

Emma: It’s two separate sex scenes but they mirror sexual positions. One is daytime; one is at night. They interlink within the edit. It is all about the build up and exploration of the body and asking.

Sarah: It doesn’t matter about your sexuality. The fundamental thing is consent.

 

Do you feel proud?

Sarah-Louise: At the beginning of the process we wrote down what we wanted to achieve and I can honestly say this film has everything that we had written on the paper. I am extremely proud of what we have done. But I didn’t realise how hard it is to make a porn film! It was a lot harder than I thought and it takes a full day to make a 15-minute film. But I have to be honest and admit I have nearly walked during the process. At the beginning I felt uncomfortable. I felt some parts of porn are quite dark and I questioned whether I was bringing out another film to join the others. It has been a rollercoaster and I have even thrown up. I threw up because I felt the porn out there was a bit violent and I didn’t like it. But the other mums pulled me back and we have made what we set out to do.

Sarah: I found it emotionally hard. It has made me feel vulnerable and it has made me question parts of my personality that I didn’t realise were there. It has been quite a journey. At times I found I didn’t like porn!

Emma: What happened throughout this process is it exposed vulnerability and insecurities we didn’t know we all had. I think particularly when we were making the porn film, we exposed ourselves to every single emotion. There was a desperate need to make this work. This is serious. This porn film is hopefully a little ripple in a new wave we want to do. It’s not entertainment. We have covered all the ins and outs in an industry that we were so novice to. We wanted to make sure we got all the facts right. We wanted to make sure we looked after the cast and we wanted to make sure it was educational. Of the porn we didn’t like, we wanted to beat it, better it and be proud of it. We don’t want people to say to us ‘we knew you would fail’.

Sarah: Even if we make the worst film of all films, if parents go and have a conversation with their children, then we will have succeeded.

Anita: I came in at a different place because as a family we are so open but by the end my cause had changed where I wanted to ensure every voice could be heard. I wanted to buck the stereotypes that were out there. I recognised there was a huge gap with colour and how they were represented. I have four boys. I didn’t want the boys to be vilified and for people to think that all males are thoughtless and horrible. We are helping to have that conversation.

 

What have your family said about you all doing this documentary?

Sarah: They are excited.

Sarah-Louise: My husband has loved it.

Anita: My husband has always said, ‘You have a voice and you have a message’. He’s really proud.

Emma: My friends and family understood that something needed to be done. They have totally supported me even though I was talking about it all the time!

Sarah: You would initially be whispering but by the end, you would be going ‘do you like porn?!’

Sarah-Louise: We will talk about it more freely.

Sarah: Porn now feels very normal!

Sarah-Louise: At the start when we had to say names of genital areas, we were very quiet. Now we are very vocal!

 

What would you say to those sections of the community who may not agree with you making a porn film?

Anita: It’s sparking conversation. It’s out there and very accessible but if we don’t talk about it we can’t make changes. Porn isn’t the only thing that is sexually explicit. It is about how we address issues around it.

Sarah-Louise: Sex isn’t something you should be ashamed of. The majority of people are very interested. Once you start talk openly, they talk openly back. I know we will have a few people saying things as we are putting ourselves out there. We talk about our own sexual preferences in the documentary and we have been very open. That was the only way we could do it. It’s going to be scary but if one person watches it and learns something, then I am happy.

Sarah: We are going to get people who will find something to hate but hopefully people will see why we have done it and hopefully it will now be a common conversation in the home. It is needed and it is missing.

Emma: The documentary is educational. We are going to educate others. We have learnt things. We thought we were pretty ok with our sex lives but we are learning. Even if there is an article saying something negative about it, then it might stimulate people to watch.

 

Do you hope other mums will be more open?

Anita: One of the things for me is the ages of young people accessing porn. I have had open conversations with my children but I realised some of their peers might not have the same interaction. It is important we all work and educate our children.

 

Do you hope the Government will improve sex education?

Sarah: It’s always been pretty poor. It’s basically a penis goes into the vagina and makes a baby - that’s about it!

Sarah-Louise: I found out if you have massage oil on your hands a condom would split. I didn’t know that. I am 45! It shows you have to talk to your children and talk at home. I would like it if they brought trendy people in to schools to talk about it. We shouldn’t be embarrassed.

Anita: We as parents need to do the research.

Emma: There is a new undercurrent amongst the porn actors who want to fulfil an education. There shouldn’t be shame in what they do. We met a couple of porn stars that were quite willing to go to schools and talk about it.

 

Do you have the bug?!

Anita: Yes!

Emma: Yes, we have just skimmed the surface. We were bursting with ideas. It would be an interesting second shoot.

 

ENDS