Interview with Recruit 20 - Hannah
Category: Press Pack ArticleHannah
Recruit: 20
Age: 36
Profession: Lawyer
Hometown/Region: Hampshire
Background
The armed forces have played a huge role in Hannah’s life, having grown up as an ‘army baby’, with her father serving as a Paratrooper. She then went on to marry a Royal Marine.
Hannah’s husband served in the military until seven years ago and the experience he received there helped shape his life. Having recently experienced some struggles in their marriage, Hannah felt she wanted to apply for the SAS: Who Dares Wins course to gain a deeper understanding of his experience.
While she was attracted to a role in the military for herself, she instead chose the path of law and qualified as a solicitor.
Tell me about your experience on SAS: Who Dares Wins?
It's hard to express how life changing this experience was. I feel privileged to have taken part in the course, especially with such an exceptional and professional DS team.
One of the most affirming, positive, challenging, rewarding, frightening, exposing experiences of my life. I loved it and I embraced everything it had to offer. While I have a couple of minor regrets (backward dive…) I will always remember the friends, the DS, the lessons and the improvements and strength it has brought about in me as a person.
Did you find it difficult? Was it more difficult than you expected?
Actually it wasn't difficult at all - it was one of the most straightforward and simplest things I've ever done. Keep going or give up - no other concerns, no stress other than my kit, my team and myself. I loved how it stripped away life's daily baggage and stress. It wasn't difficult but it was TOUGH.
If life is a game of inches, every inch of this course was a battle, a fight of determination. I took nothing for granted on the course and felt like I clawed my way through each second. I loved it though and wouldn’t hesitate to do it all over again.
You experienced a chemical warfare attack as part of the series. This is the first time this has happened on SAS: Who Dares Wins. How did you find that?
What I hadn't guessed was that before the attack we would have to race carrying our bergens, wearing the gas respirators. Running with a gas respirator on feels like you are suffocating and is genuinely one of the most unpleasant things I've done. Throw the bergen in for good measure and it really topped it off!
Have you ever done anything like this before?
Some of the all-nighters I've pulled as a lawyer have been pretty gnarly… but seriously, no! I don’t think unless you have been in the military, you will have experienced anything quite like this before.
Do you or any of your family have a military background?
The military has always been a large part of my life. I was born and spent my early years growing up on the 'patch' in Aldershot. This was because my dad was a Royal Engineer. He passed P-Company and joined 9 Parachute Squadron where he worked for most of his military career. He was in the military for 20 years and is my absolute rock.
Maybe because I was drawn to the military qualities I saw in my dad - loyalty, integrity, resilience, bravery - I married a Royal Marine who has all the same attributes. My husband was in 40 Commando and served for nearly nine years.
Speaking from my perspective as a military wife - once a military wife always a military wife. It’s a tough gig. Although my husband has now left the military, his experiences have shaped him as a person and will stay with him forever. He (like my dad) has shared very little about his experiences in the Corps. I only know one story about my husband's service which left me feeling immeasurably proud of him. It brought home to me that I have only ever been a very sheltered bystander, watching events unfold from the side lines. I've never been in the game. This is why being a military wife is the toughest job - you're always there at the end for your other half but you often have no idea what they did to get back.
What made you sign up?
I signed up to the course for two reasons; my family and myself.
For as long as I can remember I have struggled with anxiety. In the events leading up to the course my anxiety controlled every aspect of my life. I was over-sensitive and over-analysed most, if not all situations. I felt isolated in my own mind and needed to be stripped of all the comforts and conventions that I used to conceal or ignore my anxieties. I was desperate and wanted to be broken down to expose my fears so I could face them head on.
I also signed up for my family. The months preceding the course were the worst of my life. I love my husband but we were struggling. I didn’t understand him or the experiences that had shaped his life. I would do anything for my family so I applied for the course in the hope that it would allow me to experience, albeit for a brief moment, a snapshot of his world. If it gave me even a small piece of understanding then in my mind it would have been worth it.
What training did you do in preparation for this course?
As soon as I found out I had made it I trained in boots and spent most of my time training with a weighted rucksack or vest on. I knew that strength was likely to be one of my biggest weaknesses on the course so I wanted to start being comfortable with being uncomfortable, carrying weight on my back. I also put on about three kilos in weight to give my body a bit of a buffer when food was scarce on the course.
Now that you have this experience, would you like to join the real Special Forces?
I have always recognised that Special Forces operators are tough people. However, this course has showed me that they are much, much more than that. Quite simply, they are exceptional. I am honest enough to myself to admit that even if I wanted to join the Special Forces, I don’t have all of the required attributes.
What was the best part of the series for you?
Meeting the other recruits, some of whom will be friends for life, was obviously a massive bonus. However, the best part of the course was without doubt the invaluable lessons I learned from the DS team. Their guidance and advice has shaped my life and made me a better person. Thank you DS team, you awesome horrible bunch!
What was the hardest part of the series for you?
The backwards dive without a doubt. I always knew this was going to be hard for me, I trained for it completing backward dives in the swimming pool but nothing could prepare me for what they had planned.
At that point in time, the backward dive was much more than just falling into water for me. It brought to the forefront all of my anxieties and rather than emptying my mind, I allowed myself to fill it with insecurities and self-doubt. It’s a moment I will remember forever.
What is your biggest fear and has this experience helped you get over that fear?
My biggest fear was myself. I was scared of my anxieties controlling me and before the course they did. During the course there were times when they did too but the course has given me confidence to change - that I don’t need to be that person anymore.
Do you think you found it harder than the male recruits?
No. The bottom line is gender is irreverent and effort is relative. If you're giving it your all you're giving it your all and nothing else matters.
You had to share all your space with men for the whole time you were there, including sleeping and toilets. How did you find that?
I really enjoyed sharing our space, it was all part of the process of becoming a team. Without these shared experiences I wouldn’t have been able to understand the sense of belonging and friendship that comes so easily with a shared purpose and suffering.
Would you ever do it again?
100%. It was without doubt the most awesome and horrendous experience of my life.
What do you think you’ve learnt about yourself?
In the months before the course I was in a fragile, desperate place struggling with anxiety and my relationship with my husband. However, I was prepared to face my demons and in turn try and mend the broken aspects of my life. I went in to the course trying to understand those I love most and came out realising that I needed to grip my own anxieties and focus on myself.
Has being on the series changed your life in anyway?
Being on the course has had a huge influence on my life and for this I owe the DS team a debt of gratitude.
My anxieties no longer seem as monumental as they were - perspective has a whole new meaning . Although I came to the realisation that I needed the course for myself, it did inevitably allow me to peek into my husband's world. The course gave me a new found respect and admiration for him that I could only have gained by stepping into his shoes, if only for a moment. His resilience and integrity are inspiring and I'm so very thankful I had this opportunity. Now we're happily ever after. But what the course showed is that happily ever afters don't happen by magic - you apply yourself to the problem, you commit, you face the fears, you're honest and more than anything else you keep digging out. If that's a happily ever after then that's what we are. But we are