Interview with Rob Rinder

7 April 2020

Can you bake?

No!

Rate yourself out of 10.

Well, the difficulty is, I’d need somebody who baked to compare it to. I think I’m a minus 10, because the first time I baked, and I mean including Fairy Cakes, which is mildly ironic, was two days ago. I know it’s a Sex and the City line, but I do genuinely use my oven for storage. I don’t mean socks, it’s got baking trays in it, but it’s mainly for visual effects. I have no transferable skills. It’s a Woody Allen line, but it really applies to me. I often wonder, in the event of some appalling, catastrophic war, what I’d bring to the table. I think I’d have to be a hostage.

In as much as you do know how, who taught you how to bake?

There are two people responsible for this, and it’s very important we name and shame them. One of them is my friend from New Zealand, who is mad about Bake Off, called Sacha, who said “Oh darling, you should definitely do Stand Up to Cancer Bake Off” because she loves the show. And she said that eight months ago, and left and went back to New Zealand, so I never organised lessons. And then my beautiful friend OJ taught me two days ago. She also devised the recipes. She devised them a bit like you would for someone who was five years old. That’s how she’s written them.

Do you have a signature dish?

Oh no! The tragedy of it is my grandfather, who I made a programme about, was a baker. He used to make these amazing biscuits at 5 o’clock in the morning. There’s no genetic inheritance whatsoever. None of it. All I can say is thank god he didn’t live to see this.

Are you a Bake Off fan?

I’ve never watched the programme. But I don’t have a telly.

You don’t have a telly?

Genuinely. I’m a reader. Also, I’m on it the whole time. What am I going to watch it for? I started to watch Bake Off a few days ago, but it felt stressful. There’s something called the Technical Challenge, and until two days ago, I didn’t know it was happening. I’m not faking it.

Does that make it less nerve-wracking, not knowing much about the show, or having too much of an emotional investment?

Oh, I’m not nervous at all, genuinely not. If it was something I felt I was good at it would be different. Then I’d be nervous about Paul’s threatening stare – it’s like something out if Jilly Cooper, it’s quite hot actually. He looked at me like he was just about to commit an affray, and I loved it. But as it is, I don’t care. Not in a horrible way. I don’t want to poison anybody.

That’s the scale of your ambition – not to poison anybody.

Yeah, I don’t want to get sued.

Who do you want to impress the most? Paul or Prue?

If they said I’d made something that tasted good, I can’t lie, I’d have a moment. I want to impress them both, only insofar as I want to get invited round to their house so they can cook for me. You want to collect those sorts of friends. But other than that, I’m not too fussed. It’s not a skill I want to get good at. It’s the most stressful thing. People talk about baking being zen-like, some species of yoga. Absolute nonsense. Give me a cryptic crossword any day. The worst part was the mess, when I was learning to bake two days ago. She threw all of this flour over the table. I had to bus in my beautiful cleaner from Beckton to come and clean.

Who do you see as your biggest competition?

Me! Genuinely. I don’t want to cut a finger off, poison anybody or burn the place down.

If there was a strength to your baking, what would it be?

Reading. I can read. People keep saying, like some sort of mantra, “If you can read, you can bake.” Not true.

Why are you supporting Stand Up to Cancer?

All of us have been affected by cancer in some way. Every single family. Not tangentially. In my case, there are two people close to me who sadly lost their battle with cancer. I think it’s important that we’re part of a wholesale community change in the conversation about cancer: Removing its power, taking away the terror. That makes it less frightening for people when they’re diagnosed with cancer. It makes people more likely to get smear tests or check their testicles. And it reminds us of the increasingly good news about cancer: That lots of cancers are now curable. The extraordinary amount of work going on around the world is making it even better. We must not forget the good news – that huge numbers of people are able to live with the disease and will beat it. If we’re going to fight something, it’s always good to do so with a positive mindset, and I think Stand Up to cancer articulates that in the most powerful way possible.

So you’ve practised your bakes just once for today?

Yeah, I did it in an afternoon, two days ago.

How did it go?

I’d say I’m not a natural. But I think you have to try things in life, to know what your skills aren’t. I feel baking I can live without.

How do you feel about the technical challenge? Are you good under pressure?

It depends. I was very rarely stressed as an advocate or as a barrister, because I can read the instructions and I know what’s do-able, and I can remember what I read. So that’s helpful. Plus, I would always do my very best. Genuinely, as long as I feel I’ve done my best, I don’t really care what the outcome is. What’s the worst that can happen? You just have to think: “I’m not prosecuting a war criminal in The Hague, I’m not battling cancer, it’s just cakes.” Also, I didn’t know there was a technical challenge until two days ago, so I’ve not had time to get nervous. I thought we just made biscuits and then we’d make a cake.

What would be the worst possible thing you could be asked to make in the technical?

Food.

I think you might be in trouble.

Me too!

If you were a baked good, what would you be?

I feel like I’ve died and woken up in Blind Date with Cilla. “Ooh, I’d be a custard cream because I’m sweet on the inside…” No! I think I’d be something with lemon in it – fundamentally decent and tasty, but with a bit of a sharp side.

Is it true you’ve also been getting lessons in how to bake from Harry Styles’ mum?

Well, I knew I was doing this, and I’ve been scrambling around, like a drowning man looking for a life raft. And I happened to be having dinner with her a while back, and I asked her if she could bake, and the plan was that she was going to teach me, but I ran out of time. So sadly, Harry Styles’ mum didn’t get to teach me to bake, which is a shame, because I’m sure she would have been brilliant. Although I think even, she would have lost patience with me. To be honest with you, what ended up happening with the friend who did teach me is that they ended up cooking while I supervised with a glass of wine.

So, it’s not so much that you’ve done the bakes once., you haven’t actually done them at all?

Well I watched. Although it had been such a long week that I had to go for a sleep during it as well.