Interview with The Windsors' "Prince Charles", played by Harry Enfield

18 April 2016

What do you see as being your main responsibilities as the Prince of Wales and heir to the throne?

Waving’s very important – from cars or balconies as circumstances demand. Keeping alive traditional hedge laying methods and taking small talk to strange and exciting places. “And what do you do?” – that was one of mine.

Yours is a hugely pressurised role. What do you do to relax?

I like to paint – Angela Merkel said I was almost as good as Hitler.

How do you make sure you can relate to the concerns and lives of your subjects?

Well I have a subscription to Countrylife. I also listen to the LBC phone ins – sometimes I put on a pretend voice and phone in myself – I’m actually Doreen from Nunhead who’s addicted to Meaow Meaow

How are you enjoying life as a grandfather?

I love it – I can’t wait ‘til George is a bit older and I can see the look on his little face when we tell him he’s going away to boarding school for thirty six weeks a year.

What do you and Camilla get up to in your spare time?

We love to go to the Chelsea Flower Show and to Polo matches – both of which count as official engagements so double-bubble.

Where are you most at home?

Tibet. Or in my panic room at Highgrove.

What’s the best thing about being the Prince of Wales?

Well I do love a leek!

And the worst?

Going to Wales. That bloody language – it’s like nails down a blackboard. Of course you can’t say that. Oh and it’s always raining.

Describe your ideal day?

Start by getting a royalties cheque for my Duchy Originals. Listen to an archive recording of the Goons Show whilst looking at old photos of Susan George. Launch a ship, then a Bond premiere followed by dinner with the surviving members of the Three Degrees.

Who would you have to your ideal dinner party?

The Dalai Lama, Frankie Boyle, Brian Eno, Pele and Shaggy from Scooby Doo. And because we need some good strong women, The Pussycat Dolls. The conversation would be most stimulating! Oh and Jacob Rees Mogg of course.

What would you say to the people who think we should abolish the Royal Family?

I’d say ‘Be careful what you wish for – do you want a President Blair? Or Presidents Ant and Dec?’

And what contribution do you think your brothers Andrew and Edward have made to the country?

They’ve been invaluable. Without Edward there’d have been no It’s A Royal Knockout or that documentary series on the Queen Mother. Do you want to live in a world where those things never happened? Because I don’t. Andrew though has been a tremendous embarrassment.

There’s a new series coming up on Channel 4, making fun of you and the lives of your family. How do you feel about that?

I don’t mind a bit. I’ll be sure to watch – I have a tremendous sense of humour. As I mentioned I still listen to the Goons Show, eight or nine times a day. ‘Bring it on’ that’s what I say, we can take it… As long as they don’t mention my ears.

Do you watch much TV yourself?

Just Countryfile – Julia Bradbury’s quite the fox. Oh, and ‘Help! My Mum’s a Hoarder.’

Interviewer: Thank you, Sir.

Charles: Please, call me Your Royal Highness – it’s less formal.

**This interview is entirely made up by The Windsors creators.