SAS: Who Dares Wins S5: Interview with Nicola #6

6 January 2020

Age: 40

Profession: Civil Servant

Hometown/Region: Taunton

Background

Nicola has been through difficult times with abusive men in her life.

She doesn’t regret anything though as the relationships made her who she is today.  She is determined that no-one feels sorry for her and is now happily married to a man who treats her like a princess.

Her step-dad is her everything.  He was in the marines and worked alongside the SAS so she wants to make him proud and prove to herself she can do anything.

Tell me about your experience on SAS: Who Dares Wins?

My experience was horrific and Brutal….. but It was also amazing at the same time. Cheesy as it sounds, it was an honour to be able experience what my father went through during his time in the forces. Having to do the tasks that he had to do, having to wear the same clothes he had to wear, experience the discipline he had to have, not being able to speak to my family etc. I have so much respect for my father - the sacrifices he has made for us a family, risking his life.  Seeing it and doing it myself has only made that respect grow even more.

There were so many times where I wanted to hand in my arm bands (like on the first day when we had to do the backwards dive) but something was forcing me not to. I know I was on VW watch often as they thought I may hand in my armband but I am very stubborn and knew I couldn’t let my family down.

I went in wanting to prove to other people how strong I am, after a few days I realised I didn’t need to prove it to other people, I just had to prove to myself and I did exactly that. I didn’t realise how brave I was. 

Did you find it difficult? Was it more difficult than you expected?

It was so much harder than what I ever expected. I have watched this show every year and every episode I say, “I’d love to be on this show, I can do that.” However, when you’re actually there and taking part, it is horrific. Not knowing what was coming next, not knowing when and if you would be woken up in the night, having to make sure your wet kit dried in time so you didn’t have to put a wet cold kit back on, eating plain food as quickly as you can. It really messes with your head. You try to hold everything in and try and be as tough as you can but when you’re exhausted, you just can’t hold it in.  I don’t deal well when tired. I get very emotional and put myself down.

Were you surprised to find out this course was taking place in the home of the SAS – Scotland?

I wasn’t that surprised. I thought it was going to be somewhere north, possibly Norway (a small part of me thought it might have been Cyprus especially when they asked how I would feel being left out to sea. I thought they couldn’t and wouldn’t leave us out to sea where it would be freezing! How wrong was I?). So being in Scotland, it was what I expected.

How did you cope with the harsh Scottish weather conditions?  Did the weather conditions play a part in how hard you found the course?

The weather didn’t bother me, I can deal with the rain. It’s my favourite weather. Wind I don’t mind either. But being left in soaking wet clothes after you’ve just come out of the sea and not being able to change was hard, standing around freezing our a**es off.

Did spending so much time in freezing water make the course more difficult for you?

This was without a doubt the hardest part of the course for me. I hated getting in the water all the time. I can swim really well. It was just that feeling of shock when you get in the water I couldn’t deal with. The way it takes your breath away and you can’t think for a few seconds and you knew how cold you would be when you got out. Also, imagining what was beneath me freaked me out. A swimming teacher friend back home took me out swimming in the sea before the course, but we had wetsuits on so I didn’t feel the cold. I thought it may have prepared me better but it didn’t.

You were the first recruits to take part in weapons training.  How did you find that?

I found that fine. I enjoy things like that, learning new things and being able to experience things like that, which I would never normally be able to experience. Obviously in real life it’s not fun.  It was amazing having the DS as teachers and showing us how to use them. However, when it actually came to using them, I forgot everything. The adrenaline just took over. You have to be pretty switched on to use weapons.

Have you ever done anything like this before?

I have never done anything like this before. I have been searching for the hardest challenge of my life and this was at the top of the list. I don’t think anything could ever come close again. I still can’t believe I made it onto the show. I am so grateful to Minnow for giving me this opportunity.

What made you sign up?

I am always trying to prove to myself and others how strong I am or can be.  I am always looking to take on challenges to prove to people I am tough. I have been in the darkest of places during my early 20’s. I had kept my suffering quiet for so many years and my boys had seen me at my lowest and saddest. One day I woke up and realised I was missing out on my children growing up because I was focusing on the drama too much and not the special moments with my children as I wasn’t in a good place. I shook myself, promised I would never let anyone see me weak again or take advantage of me and I promised from that day I would be the strongest person to them and they would always come first. I want to continue to inspire them, continue to be a good role model for them to look up to and continue to grow in strength.  I always love pushing myself to the limit. I had been searching for some time for my next challenge and this was it. I suffer with my mental health and keeping busy and learning to cope and manage it without medication helps. Having a challenge or goal really helps me. Also keeping fit helps so anything that involves that is a benefit for me. However sometimes I think I’m too strong and too hard faced!!

What training did you do in preparation for this course?

Well I was always quite fit as I was a runner before but knew that wasn’t going to be enough. There is fit like I was and then there’s super machine fit which you need for SAS selection. I needed to build some muscle, strength and stamina all together. I signed up to my local CrossFit box and attended 5-6 days a week for the months running up to leaving for filming. I hardly saw my family and it was hard not spending much time for them but they were all so supportive.  I was training sometimes twice a day. I also had a friend at CrossFit who was a PT and ex-Marine so he also took me on private sessions to try and prepare me for what I might be put through. We did lots of sandbag carries, running, press-ups, sledge push/pulls and lots of deadlifts to build my legs up.  It was horrible but the worse the workout the more I enjoyed it as I knew it was only going to be making me stronger.  I also did swimming, lengths and out at sea.

Now that you have this experience, would you like to join the real Special Forces?

I would love to but I think I need to work on my anxiety before I did something like that. I also don’t think I’m smart enough. I am the first to admit I’m not the most intelligent person. In the heat of the moment, when the adrenaline is running, I seem to forget the simplest of tasks. I have so much respect for anyone who has or is serving in the special forces. They are true heroes, so brave and courageous.

What was the best part of the series for you?

There were a few special moments, I really enjoyed murder ball on the beach. It was probably the only moment we all really relaxed and had fun, including the DS. Also, forming a very special bond and sharing the memories with the other recruits who I now see as family was a good part. One day together felt like a week. We would wake up at 4:30, go out on a mission, get home and be like ‘it must be 2:30pm’ but it was only about 9:30am!!! Time just stood still.

What was the hardest part of the series for you?

As a mother I should say missing my children but you are constantly on the go, you kind of forget about home. Maybe that’s how the people in the special forces manage to do such a good job. They just have to blank home out and get on with the mission.

I think the log carry was the hardest part. Just when I thought Ant was going to tell us to get back in the truck, he would tell us we had to go further, then when we got there, we thought that has to be it, but he told us to go even further.  It didn’t seem like it was going to end and I really wanted to cry. I think maybe I did. I had also never been so cold in my life. I wanted to stop and just collapse on the floor and give up. Luckily Beth (no 2) looked after me. 

Also overcoming my mental health and my anxiety was really hard.  Not knowing what was coming next was very tough for me, getting in the water was just torture for me. I didn’t want my kids to see me scared when they watch the show so really tried to push through it and just do the tasks without thinking about them. I just basically had to be really really brave. A good family friend who was ex forces once said to me “Fear is the ability to be afraid but still being able to function and get the job done’. I just kept thinking of that.

Do you think you found it harder than the male recruits?

No not at all. I think I coped really well. I may not have been physically stronger than the male recruits (probably one of the weakest) but I was definitely mentally stronger. I think that showed when a few of them opened up to me as they seemed to struggle at times. If I found it harder, I wouldn’t have gotten so far.

You had to share all your space with men for the whole time you were there, including sleeping and toilets. How did you find that?

It was fine apart from having to sh*t in front of them. Apart from that, everything else was fine. I’m a very down to earth person with a good sense of humour. I get on well with men, probably better than I do with women. I also had men either side of my bed. As a mum I felt like I had to look after them so if I had any spare food I would give it to them knowing they needed it more than I did.

Were you surprised to find one of your ‘fellow recruits’ was a mole?

No, we always thought there was a mole in the camp. We thought it was Carla (no 15) to start with and made jokes about it. On reflection, I did keep looking at Jay when he was a recruit, thinking ‘How can he sleep in just his boxers and we are all freezing sleeping in all our kit and blankets and sleeping bags over us.’ He was also very very fit and slept whenever he could. When he left, we knew something was up?

Did getting to know Jay as a recruit make it difficult for you to have the same respect for him once he became one of the DS?

No, I always had respect for Jay recruit or being a DS. 

What were Ant, Foxy, Ollie, Billy and Jay like?

Scary as hell. The first moment we saw them when they came down the steps to the boat I think Ollie shouted “what the f*ck are you talking for?” We’ve never been so scared in all our life. I couldn’t make eye contact with them for the first four days. I just looked at their feet when they were talking to me. After about four days, they started to make little jokes and we started to smile which felt so good.  Being able to act a little more human was good, then as the time went on they warmed a little but could change at any time. I could be wrong but I felt they started getting a little respect for us the further we got. Ollie and Billy were the ones who showed their funny side sooner. They work great together. Foxy I found was quite caring and actually worried about us at times and Ant was mean but also said the nicest thing to me which really made me push harder. I thought he was going to shout at me but he really encouraged me and gave me some positive feedback which I really appreciated.

Would you ever do it again?

It’s like I say after every big thing I do.  I always say I’ll never do that again but then when I’ve slept on it and thought about the achievement I have made, it gives me the buzz to want to do it again. So yes, I would do it again. I would try to enjoy it more if there was another time and take it in more instead of letting my anxiety take over