ULRIKA JONSSON – RECRUIT NUMBER 4
Category: Press Pack ArticleWhy did you sign up to this show?
Well, it was kind of perfect storm. I was feeling really kind of low and a bit lost. There was lots of personal stuff going on. So, when this initial contact was made I actually thought it was a joke, because I hadn't properly watched the show because every time I watched the show, I would have to switch off because I found it unbearable. I just found it the most terrifying show to watch, it used to make me really stressed, watching it. But my best friend had always said, "Oh, you've got to go on, because those SAS guys, they're really fit." And I said, "That's really not a good enough reason, to want to kill myself!” So I just thought I'd pursue it but I tried to really put them off me. When I had the conversation with them, I'd say, "Look, I'm not courageous. I'm quite weak physically. I'm not fit. I'm not competitive." And they're like, "Aha, Mm-hmm." And then when they sort of said, "Yeah, would you like to come on board?" I thought, well I'd better shit or get off the toilet seat, quite frankly!
Given everything you had going on in your life, how would you rate your mental strength going into the course?
You can't prepare for that, you can't envisage it. Obviously on a physical level, I never felt that I was going to be a prominent contender. I'm now 54, I was 53 when I did it, obviously. I wanted to know what I was made of. Psychologically, I've gone through all sorts of things, but what am I made of? What am I? What do I have the courage for? What don't I have the courage for? I wanted to face some really ugly, scary, horrible, nasty fears. Just to shake things up a little bit, because also, at my age, I'm never going to be given this opportunity again. So, it's not going to happen again and the older I get, it definitely is not going to happen. So it felt like very much the wrong thing to do, but the right thing to do.
How did you feel about the other celebrities on the show with you?
I always rather detest the whole idea of celebrities being thrown together, because it's basically just a bunch of egos, isn't it? And it does get quite competitive. If it's not competitive physically, it's competitive for attention and whatever else. But I was so terrified and just relieved to find out that everybody else was quite terrified too. I really bonded with Kerry, I think we've had a lot of shared lived experiences, with relationships and children and whatever. So the second I saw Kerry, I felt a little bit of relief and I found a tiny bit of comfort. I know you kind of attach yourself to people that you feel that you can make a connection with. But I'd say everybody else did a very good job of pretending they were absolutely fine about the whole experience. But you have no idea, I was actually crapping my pants. But nobody was really willing to give it away until a few days in. Everybody is presuming everybody else is fine, but everybody is secretly shitting themselves.
The first day they make you strip on the beach, what was that like?
Exposing! I have to say, first of all, I'm definitely not a diva or anything like that. So for me, the whole idea of getting naked. You know I'm Swedish too, so we get naked, you get changed wherever you have to. That didn't phase me, but what phased me was the fact that I was so cold, that I felt that I had no control over my hands. Well, fear and cold meant I had no motor responses at all. I didn't seem to be able to coordinate myself. You're so concentrating on what you're doing, I didn't even look around, I didn't even look to see where the cameras were. I was literally just trying to get wet clothes off and put something dry on. But yeah, I see it all the time. Fear makes you shake and then the cold makes you shake.
You end up in an ambulance within minutes of the first challenge, what happened?
Yeah, I have to be really grateful for the camera man, because it was him who called the medic. I know that I get cold very easily and I have Raynaud's condition, which means I lose all circulation to my fingers and my feet. So when we were running up the beach, I couldn't feel my feet. So when I started shaking and being cold, that aspect of being cold was quite a familiar feeling for me, shaking a bit. But not so much that I couldn't stop, I've never not been able to stop shaking. Also your mind is frozen. I have to say, I was not even thinking, "What's happening here?" I wasn't worried about myself, I wasn't thinking anything, because that's the other thing, they kept talking to me, and trying to get me to say things like, "What's your name?" And to repeat things and I was just going, "Gug. Gug. Gug." I couldn't speak. I didn't realise until afterwards what a serious situation that can be.
When you were sat in the back of the ambulance, did you think this is probably my journey over?
In my head I was going, "Okay, let's get warm." Once I started thawing out, I was like, "Let's get warm, let's get warm, it cannot be over now. I cannot have come all this way and overcome the psychological hurdles to even make it up to Scotland, for me to be out after half an hour." But I also knew that it might not be my decision. So I was just desperate to get warm.
What it was like being gassed on the first day?
I think the worst thing was the anticipation because nobody tells you anything. But that's the best thing in the world because if someone says, “this is what's going to happen”, you will have time to build up fear. They start shouting at you and you're scared, you can't take in the information. So I was like, I just want to say, "Hang on. Sorry, what did you say? What do I have to do?" And of course they're like, "Fuck off! Get on in there and just do the job.” I mean, to say that it took my breath away is an understatement. I've never experienced, obviously, anything like that, that your first intake of breath is like someone pouring acid in your throat, and in your nose and in your eyes. It was incredibly debilitating.
They also make you wrestle each other in a muddy field!
I absolutely detest aggression or anything physical like that. So the whole idea when they said, "Right, you're going to wrestle." I thought, “Jesus! I don't really have an aggressive bone in my body, how is this going to happen?” You're slip sliding in mud and also you're being asked to wrestle somebody that you don't want to harm. I didn't want to harm Saira and I didn't want her to harm me, which is a typical girly response, probably. Terrible thing to say! There was actually one moment when everybody was in the ring and I turned because everyone was wrestling everybody at once, at the very end Jake Quickenden just lifted me by my waist and put me out of the ring. He could have really swung for me, but he was very sweet and just like, "Sorry, mate. I'm just going to lift you out here."
How have you put your new found courage to work since you’ve been home?
I think there is just probably, lots of little moments. The change has always been my mindset, or the conversation that goes on in my head, which is just basically, "Just do it, just do it, why are you faffing around? Just do it." I just came back from it with a different kind of inner strength. I'm not a fully changed person and I still have a hangover of all the other insecurities and stuff that I have. But it's so good to have that experience in your back pocket and to refer back to it every so often. When I forget I just look at the tattoo of Raasay under my boob!