The Secret Life of 4 and 5 Year Olds, Dr Elizabeth Kilbey Interview

31 October 2017

 

Dr Elizabeth Kilbey Q&A

What can we expect from this series?

It’s more of the kids being their amazingly interesting and unique hilarious selves. We’re always trying to see how the children respond to each other, and that’s the bit that we’re most interested in. It’s about getting a secret window in to their day to day lives, how they see the world, how they relate to each other and communicate as well as their developing local skills, and it’s always a very sobering reminder that although they might be small, they’re also quite like us. Or actually we are like them - I don’t think they’re being mini adults. Some of what we struggle with as adults is evident even in those formative years. They certainly get over things a lot quicker; things get processed and sorted remarkably quickly, which is always very interesting. 

Why do we find it so fascinating to watch?

What is so amazing about children at these ages is that they really wear their heart on their sleeves. They’re so authentic and honest and real and I love to watch them because it reminds us how many layers of complicatedness and defenses and structures that adults put in place psychologically sometimes to help us manage. We talk about childlike qualities as something we aspire to as adults, to be a bit more free and childlike. They show us how easy it is to do that; they make it look rather simple and we make it rather complicated. Also everyone is a bit of a closet psychologist because we’re social beings and all interested in relationships and how everyone gets on. We’re all naturally nosey observers and want to know what goes on behind closed doors; we just can’t help it.

What balance do you look for as far as the kids are concerned?

We’re looking at children who can play, communicate and share. They’re all at different stages of their development but their motor development is pretty consistent at this point. It’s a mix of some energetic playful boys, girls with some big ideas and lots of voice and really great humour. One little boy is a Welsh sheep farmer who’s just fabulous. At this age, what they know is their family so when they’re bringing to each other their description of the world, it’s completely coloured by how they’ve grown up and what they know. So he’s talking about sheep farmers and rural Wales while other kids who live in the city are saying really? You live on a hill full of sheep? And then they just suddenly connect with each other; they’re able to take each other’s perspectives on board in a way that adults can’t because our minds aren’t as flexible. They’re like sponges learning all the time, really wide eyed, and all the time we’re looking at their strengths and what each child has to bring that will influence the other children in the group.

What sort of feedback do you have from parents?

Parents love the fact they get to see something of their child that they don’t get to usually. They always wonder when they leave them at the gate, how are they? What Secret Lives does is let them see that school day. And the overwhelming response from parents is that actually they’re fine. It’s very reassuring for those whose child might go in crying but within two minutes they’ve normally stopped. When teachers tell parents that they usually never believe them but after seeing the show they can see it’s true. It’s very sobering because parents always have an idea of what their children are like but the reality is quite different. Then when you get to hear yourself in your child, that’s always very amusing. 

How crucial is this age as far as putting them on the right path is concerned?

There’s lots of research that says that how you manage your first six weeks of primary school can predict your GCSE and A Level results. Their preparedness and resilience – these are the big psychological concepts we talk about. Secrets Lives is almost like a precursor of how we can anticipate how the children will manage the entry in to school. School is always a social experience so it’s all about surviving the social group.

Has it helped you in your own studies?

Absolutely. It’s one thing to read a theory on paper but a completely different thing to see it in action. When I go in to schools and I observe children they know I’m watching them, so I’m interfering with what I’m trying to observe because their behaviour changes. Whereas with Secret Lives, I can watch it without interfering. The amount of times I’ve wished I’ve had a camera in the classroom to see what really happens - that is exactly what I need in my job. So it helps me make sense of the way children are, it keeps me absolutely up to date and fresh with the relationships, understanding theory in action. It just gives me a much deeper understanding of how children’s worlds are. Because when I’m helping a parent understand if there’s a problem, it’s like being a detective. The better I can understand the children from their perspectives, the more skilled I’m going to be at that.

Has it helped you as a parent as well?

I have three children who are 16, 14 and 9, and definitely. Watching Secret Lives it’s hard not to fall in love with those children or be very compassionate about what it means to be a child - so it’s definitely helped me be a more informed psychologist and a more patient parent. When they’re so big and clever and articulate, it’s easy to forget that they’re not mini adults, they’re developing children. It puts me in a better position to say actually when they do this then it might be more helpful if I did this and I spoke to them about it. I understand things in a different way.

 

ENDS